Ready to give up: Hi, I suffer from... - Anxiety and Depre...

Anxiety and Depression Support

87,608 members82,298 posts

Ready to give up

Southbound profile image
12 Replies

Hi, I suffer from depression, anxiety, panic attacks, social anxiety disorder & sometimes OCD. I have been in therapy and on medication for over 20 years and have been locked up in the snake pits which pose as mental hospitals four times. My Mom died back in May. She was the rock of my family and my best friend. She was always there with a sympathetic ear or a shoulder to cry on. I feel completely alone now and utterly hopeless. I'm too much of a coward to try suicide, but I am hoping that I will die in my sleep or that someone will do the job for me. I have just had it with life and the constant feelings of inner turmoil that come with it . I want to leave as soon as possible and hopefully find the peace that I know that I will never find here.

Written by
Southbound profile image
Southbound
To view profiles and participate in discussions please or .
12 Replies

Life is so tough and things seem particularly miserable today , thank God it's not forever , do you drink coffee for breakfast I find thst gives me a dopamine hit

Southbound profile image
Southbound in reply to lillyofthevalley37

No, coffee and my stomach have always been a bad mix. I drink a lot of ice tea though family members are saying that is just worsening my symptoms. My life right now is basically not being able to sleep at night, wanting to let out a blood-curdling scream in the morning because I know that I have to somehow make it through another day, and then hoping that it goes by as quickly as possible.

Here is a quote from an episode of ER which explains my feelings perfectly. See if anyone can relate:

“Why is light given to those in misery and life to the bitter of soul?

To those who long for death which does not come?

Who search for it more than hidden treasure?

Who are filled with gladness and rejoice when they reach the grave?

For sighing comes to me instead of food.

My groans pour out like water.

What I feared has come upon me.

I have no peace. No quietness.

I have no rest, but only turmoil.”

“Nothing matters and what if it did.”

-John Mellencamp

Thought that I would add in Mr. Mellencamp's two cents for good measure.

lillyofthevalley37 profile image
lillyofthevalley37 in reply to Southbound

It's like we can't win in this life

And maybe we aren't supposed to

What medication are you on if you don't mind me asking

Anxiety can cause insomnia do you think that is the main cause ?

Sorry about the loss of your Mom

Southbound profile image
Southbound in reply to lillyofthevalley37

Thank you very much for you condolences. Right now I am taking Ativan, Buspar, Lamitcal and Mirtazapine. Past medications include Luvox, Lexapro, Effexor, Cymbalta, Paxil, Prozac, Rexulti (to which I had a very bad reaction with regards to panic attacks), Paroxetine, Propranolol, and Klonopin. There are probably a multitude of others which I cannot recall at the moment. And NONE of them worked. To be honest, I feel worse now than I did when I started therapy and taking medication. I see my life as a failed experiment to which the plug should be pulled asap. It is said that God makes no junk, but I beg to differ when I look at myself. I am currently unemployed, have applied for SSDI benefits and been denied, do not have a friend to my name which is partially because I tend to trust people about as far as I can throw them, and I have never been involved in any kind of romantic relationship. I am what some people affectionately label a "social retard"which, though cruel, describes me perfectly. I see my world as a post-apocalyptic wasteland with no future and no reason to hope. I have just had it.

lillyofthevalley37 profile image
lillyofthevalley37 in reply to Southbound

Why don't you wean yourself off all those meds if you don't feel any better for them it's not like you must have them is it ?Is your starsign cancer btw ?

Bigneil1 profile image
Bigneil1

I am in the same position, my dad who is my closest friend is dying and I just feel alone and worthless just remember there are people who care.

Southbound profile image
Southbound in reply to Bigneil1

Thank you for the sentiment, but sometimes I feel like I could drop off the face of the earth and no one would even notice. I'm expendable which is like if someone invites you to a party and you don't show up. It doesn't really matter. People have consistently treated me that I don't matter my entire life. I have always had a VERY LOW opinion of myself, but people seem to have always been all too happy to grind me into the ground a little deeper. I like to believe that people care, I have serious doubt. That is probably why I tend to keep to myself. In the words of Simon & Garfunkel: "I rock feels no pain. And an island never cries."

What brought on these suicidal thoughts you mention, you also say you have been through treatment in Mental Health, what brought that on. Do you have a family you are able to talk to. It can be very difficult to mix and understand people in general it can be very hard work especially if they have motives of their own. It is difficult to say the reasons why you feel the way you do all I can suggest people may look upon you as mentally ill, been in hospital. However this may not be the case, it can be down to the patient who is making matters worse for themselves by trying to explain what has happened in the past. Look forward not back, remember you do not need to explain yourself to other it is more than good enough to listen to others and keep the conversation at the now not the past. Try not to worry about others they have their own secrets they are trying to keep

BOB

BOB

Your writing is very clear and thoughts very intelligent - I can't see why you would have social problem and you just need to meet right people or person to spend your life with - at least attempt to meet people. I am sure you will grow in confidence and internet has lots of conversation advice. Just see???

CarzaraL profile image
CarzaraL

Think about your mother, she never want her child to give up

Hb2003 profile image
Hb2003

I am so sorry about that much kindness and support- Hiba

Yass_123 profile image
Yass_123

Hi anxiety is very difficult but only you can help yourself more than hospitals could ever help try praying it may help you express your feelings no one is perfect my fear is of dying but I know that is one sure of living i hope you find peace don't give up you've survived so long why wish to die if we are anyway try doing something you enjoy or help others that need help life is a challenge and needs patience I hope for you the best even if you post to this forum you will always find someone to listen to you take care

You may also like...

i give up completely

the phone with this guy talking crap about me and she isn’t even doing anything about it. i’m...

Just want to give up

extreme health anxiety, gad and depression to list a few. Insomnia. Ibs. And panic disorder. I'm...

On the edge of giving up

to be in peace. It looks like nature is calling for my help with fertilizing. How peaceful is it to...

Please don't give up.

but trust me if you read my other posts I was a anxiety nervous mess!! My mind would torture me...

wanting to give up but not sure how

I have been dealing with anxiety and depression for 4 years now. Ever since my parents got divorced...