remembering painful memories today.

[iamyukii]

i don't understand why people feel the need to ignore what i say. it's always the "you can call me for help any time" and then when i do i'm just being bothersome. or even if it's just to talk, i'm still somehow bothering someone.

i remember a little over a year ago i ran away from home. i was just so tired of everyone treating me so badly. my mom constantly belittled me by saying things such as "you're nothing, just useless" or "you never do sh**, always just being lazy". i could be working every day including over time and if i had just one day to rest i was called a "lazy a** with nothing going on for me in life".

i feel like my tipping point in me running away was just one day i had a really hard day at work and i had to talk to my brother about something. i kept calling my mom to get in contact with my brother and no one answered and finally she answers after then 6th time of me calling and the first thing she says to me is "you're always f******* bothering, what do you want?" and i just couldn't take it after that.

i remember trying to tell my sister one time that i felt like mom was treating me pretty bad, and my sister just tried to excuse it by saying "that's just how she is, i'm not sure what to tell you" but, my sister didn't understand because she wasn't the scapegoat of the family like i was. once i came back from running away i got shamed for it. no one was glad that i came back because all i did was "waste everyone's time and money trying to look for me".

on top of that i was forced to stay with someone i knew because my mother didn't want me back in the house, especially her boyfriend. eventually i stayed with my grandmother moving around and around to bad apartments while my grandmother also treated me poorly. the constant verbal abuse was really painful to remember today.

as of current, the only reason i had a chance of coming back home was because my sister decided not to move into the new house my parents had purchased. but, thinking about what if my sister had moved in here, i would've had no way of coming back home again because of how unwanted i was. it really hurts that, that's the only reason why i'm here. i practically had nowhere to live and my parents did not care what so ever.

my sister got everything she wanted including how sometimes my mother's boyfriend payed rent for her. i'm trying to work so hard and save up to get my cosmetology license to get a stable and job that i love to move away from everything. still, it's really hard remembering things that happened to me. i love my mom, it's just hard knowing how badly she has treated me throughout the years and makes me question anything about our relationship.

[Grateful71]

I'm so sorry you are being treated this way, it sounds as though the people you need to show you love and care are not able to this for you. I had a similar experience with my parents growing up and it did affect my choices and way of life for a number of year. I'm older now and have spoken to my mother about her behaviour back then, turns out she was suffering depression and anxiety a very unhappy marriage and insecurity as a parent. I hope you don't have to wait that long and I hope and opportunity will come up for you to maybe ask her what's going on. No matter what I guarantee YOU are not to blame, you sound like the target for other people's unhappiness , take care 💛

[iamyukii in reply to Grateful71]

thank you for your response!!

[Hidden]

Omg... this is EXACTLY how my mom is. Last time I went back home to visit (I’m in a different state in nursing school working my ass off) I was there no longer than 3 days before she called me lazy, said I wasn’t doing anything, and then gave me a bunch of her errands as if I didn’t have plans during the day.

I did the same thing you did and told my sisters but they said the same thing your sister said. And every time I call out for my mom she screams at me so I shut down, and started avoiding her because even the littlest things I say get her so angry.

It’s ironic that they call us lazy when we’re clearly doing stuff or just being alive, it’s almost like they reflect how they feel about themselves maybe? I’m not sure what it is but it’s a different kind of pain when it comes from our mothers... it’s heart wrenching and the emotional abuse makes you want to run far away, I feel you. I understand this post so much and I’m so sorry you are treated that way. The memories are sometimes intermittent, they will come and go. They won’t disappear because it’s sad to say, but they are a part of who you are. Embrace every flaw that you feel it has caused because these things will make you stronger and realize who you do not ever want to become.

I love my mom dearly, but she has taught me to love my future kids unconditionally not only if they act and do exactly what I say. It can be traumatizing but there’s ways to manage your pain. You will find those and feel much better I promise you! 🤍

[iamyukii in reply to Hidden]

yes!! i read that being the scapegoat of the family is usually because of how they reflect on how they see themselves. it's very upsetting getting emotionally abused but, i'm trying to work very hard toward my goal on getting a cosmetology license and move on from everything. thank you for your response.