I dont think our mental illnesses reveal who our personalities really are. They cover over how we really are when we are more than this. This isnt our fault because certain experiences in life have affected us. If it wasnt for all the pain we feel and the daily battle to survive and cope, who would you be? How would you appear to the world without your mental illness or your physical illness? Who are you underneath all the pain and sadness?
I wonder if we could think of ourselves without our illness if thats possible. This in no way diminishes how we suffer. But I just know that we are more than our sadness and anxiety even if we dont always realize it. Deep down I dont believe our personalities are not summarised by our problems even we may feel that they are. It may take some thinking about for us to see ourselves in this light free of suffering but I want to try anyway. We can add imaginary things into our lives to paint the picture if we want too. I will start..
Who I really am underneath all my mental illnesses is... a really affectionate and loving and happy go lucky person. I really love people and if it wasnt for all the experiences that led to my anxiety I would show myself as someone who is comfortable spending time with family and friends, someone who enjoys making others feel loved and happy and as though they belong, and that noone should ever feel like a stranger to me. I imagine being confident in embracing people and showing people confidently and whokeheartedly that they matter. I would have an open house for all and people could come and go and eat food and be happy. I am someone who enjoys singing and I would even sing in the woods as I walk by myself. Deep down underneath all my pain and seriousness I am very playful too and like to make others laugh. And I like being really silly and make fun of myself and I would smile alot more too. And I enjoy looking after my health and caring for my body and learning new gymnastics moves too. I think deep down Im also really creative too and enjoy creating individual pieces of art that I could spend months creating layer upon layer of different things.
I would love to be a father one day too and I would enjoy playing with my children and teaching them new things like soccer skills and all about nature. and making them feel safe and happy in every way.
This is who I believe I am underneath my mental illness. This is the real me. Its far from how I show myself as I can feel so overwhelmed with sadness. But I enjoyed writing it even though it did make me feel quite emotional to write it.
How about you? Who are you and how would you be if it wasnt for your illness/illnesses?
Hi Bear. That wonderful person (you) with all of those great aspirations does not exist under mental illness. He exists alongside of it. By thinking we are beneath our mental illness (as I have done repeatedly) we are letting it define us completely when it is really only a part of us. No need to wait for the illness to be gone to be who you already are: the one who isn’t beneath anything.
I think that can be true yes. Maybe my wording didnt convey that idea. But I accept that possibility too.
The post was just about seeing ourselves as more than just people with mental illness, whether we want to describe who we are as 'beneath' our suffering or 'along side' our suffering. I didnt mean to suggest that I see people are defined by mental illness at all. In fact I think the opposite entirely, which is what inspired me to make this post.
I wanted to remind ourselves of the very facts you mentioned because so often its true that our suffering can affect our ability to take enjoyment in life or feel the things we want to feel, but I still think we can enjoy that to an extent. Its just that sometimes for me personally I need to allow myself to enjoy it and imagine myself as the healthiest me to give me something to reach out for NOW, not in the future. My post was just about allowing ourselves to think outside the box if weve FELT defined by problems. It wasnt meant to imply that we are ACTUALLY defined by our problems.
And Im sorry if this does not come across that way or if you or others have taken offence. Sorry for any confusion.
Hi again, Cuddly Bear. You have nothing to apologize to anyone about. You asked a really good insightful question. I've had the same question in my mind many times but I didn't know how to ask it as articulately as you did. I have often defined myself by my depressive illness. It makes my world smaller and causes me a lot of pain. I'm working on looking at myself as a whole person that includes not only depression but so much more (good stuff) as well. When I respond to what folks have to say in this community I realize I am often talking to myself as much as I am to them! One of the great things about our group here is that it often holds up a mirror to each of us. In other words, though the details may be different, in may ways we are all doing our best first to survive the pain we're experiencing, but then to thrive in the face of it. We have so much in common. I'll stop rambling here. I just want you to know that your question made me think and gave me valuable perspective and I thank you for that.
Thank you for this. No, you wasnt rambling. I understand that point about talking to ourselves too when we answer. I couldnt articulate it but Ive thought that for a long time. Sometimes people have taken offence at how Ive spoken in the past when all Ive been doing is processing my own thoughts about myself through expression.
That’s an awesome question. And when you listed all the things that are in you, I thought, “He’d make a wonderful friend”. 😀 Let’s see...take away the emotional pain and anxiety and we’d have someone who likes to make people laugh. Someone who would like to get up on stage in a comedy or drama play and indulge in being another person for an evening. I’d have the confidence to maybe be a private chef for families. I would reach out and ask others if they wanted to hang out. My whole life I have always waited for the other person to make the first move.
I really like your genuine answer. Thanks for saying I would be a great friend. I often dont feel like one really as I often feel inadequate and I get self conscious even though I dont to be that way. Its nice to be thought well of 🙂
Man. If it wasn’t for this mental illness, I would be much more confident in myself . I wouldn’t fret about every little twinge in me ( that would be super amazing ) no health anxiety. I would be more outspoken. I’ve recently become more outspoken , but I still get slightly anxious when I do speak up for myself , but I’m glad to say I do. Yet, removing anxiety , my voice would be heard by EVERYone.
I’d be way more social. I’d have a crew of friends , instead of like one (I’ve been meaning to see where that relationship even is :/ , it’s been rocky)
I’d probably married too. I’ve been so anxious before that I was afraid to break up with someone . I’ve made such fucked up decisions in love .
I’d already have my career, because I’d take opportunities that I KNOW were for ME, with no fear. I’d have my degree already, too. ( I was agoraphobic around age 20 , and stayed in my house til 22, then reenrolled . Financial problems hit for a while though, and I quit school smh)
I’m back in school but it’s for design. I really wanted that Journalism degree though. It was one of many passions . This current curriculum is a passion of mine , too. But, journalism was definitely top two lol.
I’d be bolder, confident, in love , welcoming to new friends, more active ( I am moderately active ) , more adventurous, more disciplined in my career goals. I’d be a better partner. I truly am in a grey area in my relationship. Beneath it all is a woman (still growing up) itching to show herself to the world. Who I’m describing , well , it’s not like I could never be her....I see spurts of that woman , she’s IN me but fear...fear is the enemy . This post was truly interesting to read and answer lol. I love it.
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“Completely free from mental illness?”
I dont understand.. Loved ones are worth the effort of working through problems but I didnt get that. Maybe they didnt know how? 😢
Fitting in the puzzle pieces.
