Shit Post #347

[walrusgladiator]

I just keep having feelings like I'm useless and disgusting. I hate how I treat people and in that way I hate how I treat myself. I'm too nice to people to strangers and even people my friends don't get along with. And it has gotten me in trouble in the past up through now (and I keep reliving the past I want to forget so that's fun). I feel so empty inside. I always feel an urge or pull to make other people happy/avoid conflict and I never hear my own voice of what I want to do or what my other options are or what repurcussions these passive choices could make in the future. Then I go around and act shitty to people I care about (ignoring their advice, making them feel guilty for doing things, act like they owe me something). Before my boyfriend the only person I ever got angry at was my mom. I don't really get angry at my boyfriend per say, it's more like my heart hurts more than ever before. With my parents or whoever before, I could always make excuses to myself while I was crying as to why I wasn't necessarily a horrible person. Now I just can't help but wonder if my past is too full of mistakes, if my decision making part of my brain will ever get fixed/ever be logical. I have got to stop hurting the people close to me including myself. I know I need boundaries, but being too nice/overthinking what people might think of me is just too ingrained. I also know I need to be nicer to myself, but I think there's a part of me that wants to be mean. I think maybe that's the only way I can deal with varying degrees of guilt. I hurt somebody/I do something stupid I figure I need to pay. But I also don't like hurting myself physically, so I wonder how committed I am to this self-hate. Is it just something I do to myself to give myself an excuse for my bad behavior? A way to manipulate people into comforting me/letting me off the hook just because I hate myself so much for doing something? I mean jeez it happens so often, that's why I think I'm such a failure. I'm afraid I won't be able to change or fast enough.

[FearIsALiar]

I totally get where you’re coming from. I struggle with this too. I feel like I’m too broken to be fixed