I wish..

I wish things were how they were when I was a kid. I miss the days when people were concerned or wanted to check on you, they would show up at your door. Technology, in my opinion, has made people seem more selfish.. or is this just the people around me? It's so much easier for people to check up on me now with simply sending a text or even a call but no one ever does.. and i'm just alone. I don't mind being alone but sometimes I just wish after the break up we had, hunt just showed up at my place because he made it his place too.

The worse thing I ever got into wasn't drinking, although I did that to after hunt introduced me to white claws and brought them for me every weekend. I do not drink now or at all because my mind has been too focused in school. But there was a moment I wasn't in school. This was after my dad died. I knew a guy from my highschool who would bring me mj and I would smoke in the gargage after my mom fell asleep. I would smoke until I saw my dad infront of me. He was disappointed, but at least he was there. The things I would do just to see him again.

This was more than 2 years ago now, and i'm thankful because I barely got into it. Esp because I did not want to hurt my mom. Sometimes it's a trap, to keep us where we are, to numb our pain, or even enhance it for the moment. It was a way to make me feel more alive. I'm glad I grew up, moved out, and pursued something more for my mom (and me to, but mostly to take care of her), although she ignores me and easily acts like I never exists. Disowns me for her pain and suffering. I don't want to learn from her. I just want to love unconditionally.