Was it really a close call?

Hi Everyone. This is my first posting. I'm new to blogs and posts and all.

Two weeks ago, I was cleaning my house. It turned out to become on of my manic episodes. I started with getting rid of just minor things that I haven't used in awhile, but then it turned into an obsession.

Whenever I start "cleaning," I always have thoughts on my mind that I don't want to leave this all behind for someone else to get rid of. This was the worst episode and I got rid of all memorable stuff - pictures, the few things of my mom and grandma, both had passed away, all holiday decorations, clothes, etc.

I was in a state of numbness. No feelings about myself or others. Highly unusual. I got to the point of writing text messages to a few people, one of which was to someone I never met and texted me by accident at one time. I had these scheduled for two days later. The text to the person I didn't know included directions for what to do... try calling me, call 911 and pricing my address.

I drank a bottle of vodka (which I don't even like), emptied out all my meds that were capsules and had other strong anxiety meds at hand. I guess fortunately I passed out before getting to the meds.

I acted on impulse the next day with the intention of trying again. I called a neighbor and asked her to stop by to explain it wasn't her fault. She knew instantly. I never thought that she would insist on going to the hospital and refused to let me out of her sight.

I went willingly, just to go. Was in psych for 1 week. I didn't leave with any changes to meds, same social worker any psychiatrist and the possibility of entering a partial hospital program.

I have been trying to keep busy, using my coping skills and safety plan. I already feel as though I'm just trying to fill time with no purpose. I'm on disability so I don't work. Just home by myself non-stop. When COVID first hit, life wasn't any different to me. I already was living in my own "COVID"-like world.

I guess I just had to blow off my thoughts. Back on meds which, in the end, found out that they do make a difference to some degree.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. Just looking for people with similar situations.

[detour13]

Of wow ,, that's a messed up story.. How u feeling this morning?

[Hidden in reply to detour13]

Thank you so much for asking. Actually, feeling OK. It's day by day. Just like most people, not getting together with anyone because of COVID. Another day of trying to keep busy. Writing down what I do every hour or two has been helping.

Wishing you a Happy Thanksgiving!

[Noquarter]

Sent you a Pm.