It's Been Awhile Everyone..Which Means I Have Serious Pent Up Emotions

[MountainLover22]

It's been a while since I've posted my own thoughts out here for everyone to read, but boy have they been building up in my own brain and exploding out in anger towards my husband, whether he deserves it or not. So I apologize for the extremely long post. I just have no one else physically around me to talk to besides him, and that is the basic definition of the whole wretchedness of COVID and 2020. Everything is getting to me...EVERY. SINGLE. THING. And I have no idea if these thoughts are warranted (meaning they are legit symptoms of sadness, anger, frustration) or if they are all conjured up in my head because I am so cooped up at home and small, annoying things seem to become these huge events or issues in my head. And even when I leave the house to go to Target or social distance with the friend (which is becoming more and more impossible to do as the weather gets colder), it's still stressful because I am thinking "Is this safe? Is this stupid to go here? What happens if I have COVID and don't know it? Or vice versa?" So even the things I do to try and make myself feel better or more "normal" are stressing me out. And then I work from home, eat from home, now do the freaking holidays from home, and I begin to resent everything. I resent my husband's content-ness on watching TV on the weekends and accepting the situation (which I know is so unfair, it's not like we have much of a choice to do things), I resent doing the same thing every single day, working in the same spot every day, having the same conversations with my coworkers and husband, EVERYTHING is the same. I've become accepting of just crying every day over the "same-ness" of life. I try to do small things around the house, like watching a new TV show or organizing something new, but god, I am just so sick of my damn house and having the same damn conversations. I have true and real moments of "if this doesn't end soon, I truly believe I won't make it." I internally believe that. I have complete outbursts of rage, where I just scream and swear at all the things I am so mad at, which can be as small as having to paint a small portion of the bedroom wall that has been needed to be done for months, or as big as feeling like my husband is indifferent to me or doesn't love me. It all becomes so HUGE...so LARGE in my mind. And of course, the only person around to hear this screaming, swearing and frustration is my husband. I feel like I am tearing apart the best relationship I have because I am blaming many feelings that aren't apart of him ON HIM. And then the real anger or frustration I have with him? Watch out, that's even more "rage", because I truly believe he can do something about the things I am mad, sad or frustrated with him about. How are people 7 plus months into this "Covid situation" and not losing it like I am? I feel like I have emotional whiplash, and keep getting into emotion "accidents" where I can't even heal from the first whiplash. I am so angry, I am SO depressed (that's an understatement), that I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore. I am a dark hole of dark feelings, and it's consuming me. I don't know where to go, I don't what's real, I DON'T KNOW WHEN THIS WILL END. I want to feel normal again, I want to see the world as normal again, I want my relationships to go back to normal, I hate myself, I hate who I've become and even more so, I HATE MYSELF.

[Hidden]

Hi. I'm so sorry. You are allowed to be angry right now. I just wanted to tell you that it's okay! We are all trying to re-invent ourselves and our lives so to speak. I think that not knowing when this will end is the worst part about this.