A series of my problems (1/3)

[DemureRose]

With everything going on in the world right now, I know my problems are petty and childish, but they're on my mind, and I am afraid if I don't get them out I'll have an emotional explosion. I have three main ones and they're long so I just broke them up. I know I know...excessive, but I got nothing else to do. Enjoy!

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Problem #1- FRIENDS

I officially have no friends. None. Zip. Nada.

I mean I've had no friends for a few weeks now, but it's felt final these past few days for some reason. I was in a friend group for almost a year. Wow. We didn't even make it a year as a group. Well...they did, I just didn't. Not necessarily by my own choice.

We were, for lack of better words, hot and heavy all summer the four of us. Hung out all the time (safely with masks & once quarantine ended) and made lots of fun memories. I was happy. When our first year of college started, I wasn't too worried. I thought maybe one of our friends would drift away because she was going to college out of state, but me and my other two friends? We'd stay strong. I was going to the same college as one of them, how could we not stay close?

But she was moving into the dorms and according to her was going to be besties with her roommate. So, for like two months I heard nothing from any of them. Finally, I decided I would make the first step and contact one of the girls. She'd been posting some stuff on her social media and I knew she suffered from depression and other mental health problems and I wanted her to know she wasn't alone. So, I asked her to lunch one day and enjoyed myself. But that's when I realized that the other three girls had stayed in contact with one another...just not with me. I was sad but then got hopeful because the girl going to the same college as me messaged me and we started talking again the same week as the lunch date. She even kept me company while I waited for my next class on campus.

Thinking back, that was the last good week I had. We lost contact again after that for a while, but then they randomly messaged me one day on our group chat asking me if I wanted to go out to dinner with them. It was weird because in the message one girl asked but she said "We wanted to know..." which I eventually understood to mean that they had made plans already and I was an afterthought. I left that little get-together feeling even sadder.

I finally realized that while in some sense they did care about me, they each cared about one or more of the other friends more. And I can't even fault them for it.

Now two of the girls are moving in together and I'm just sad. The three of them posted a picture playing a game without me and I know that I have no reason to be hurt by that but I am. It's like I have just been forgotten. Like I mattered so little that they can all hang out and post about it without feeling bad or anything.

It just sucks. It sucks because literally all my friendships have ended this way. With me eventually being excluded. And I have tried so hard to keep it from happening. But after all my failed friendships and all the betrayals and knives in the back, I don't know how the heck I am supposed to build a new friendship. THAT is what concerns me most.