I have been struggling with anxiety and depression for quite some time now.
A couple of years ago i attempted to take my life and failed. I immediately felt angry to have failed and lucky to be alive all at the same time. since then i've been fighting to both die and stay alive. i don't know if this makes sense to most people around me. i'm sure people relate to feeling alone in situations like this and that's why i'm here. i want to stop feeling like an alien. i want to find a place where i don't have to try to explain why i'm hurting because sometimes, i just am... for no rational reason.
after my attempt i admitted myself to a hospital where i began medication. it's been little to no help. i don't know what else to do for myself so i'm here... looking for a community to find support in and to offer the best of what's left of me to anyone that i can.
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GreenShoes3
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Right now, not much is going on and i think that's a big part of my struggle.
i can't really tell you how i got to where sometimes i don't even want to be here.
it wasn't just one thing... it happened over time.
it started with a divorce then the loss of my faith and the friends and family i created while i was married and a christian. while i appreciate some of that loss because i realized it was best, i was never really able to fill the void those losses left behind.
Little by little i started to lose more than just people and places. i lost myself and my identity and i couldn't find truths to replace the lies. "regular" stresses like work and relationships and worrying about my family slowly became super overwhelming and one day i just broke.
now and days i'm just trying to survive. literally. looking for work again, which is crazy especially now and trying to want to be social again. to love myself enough to reach out and create a new me. although lately, most days feel heavy and pointless... like i've gotten to a place where nothing even matters or is worth the effort... but i like to believe i know better than that. that maybe one day something will click me back on just like something clicked me off... idk. let's see.
that was a really difficult and personal realization for me.
I was born and raised in the church - was even a pastor for a little while, but when my life started to change, i slowly began to feel that what i was taught all my life wasn't really .... real.
religion felt like a filler... a veil. like it was there to control how i lived and why i lived and it was all emotional. when "real life" started playing out, believing in a god to make it better just didn't make any sense to me. it all sounded like stories. All the time and devotion i dedicated to my faith did absolutely nothing for me in my time of need. big or small. ever. neither did the people who were suppose to be the extension of that faith.
i began to read and search and listen and found a lot a questions and not that many solid answers. i remembered with new clarity what i witnessed for myself while i was in the church and i couldn't reconcile it all with what i was told was suppose to be absolute truth.
i don't advocate against it. i mean, i have family members who are believers and it works for them. they find solace in their faith and more power to them for it. it just doesn't work on me personally. doesn't make sense to me anymore.
maybe one day that will change again, who knows... but for now, i need to be more practical to stay grounded.
What you were taught and even you taught others, when things went wrong and became really difficult, did Not Match your life or Reality !!
So you lost your faith in your Faith !
I got it right.??
How Unbelievably difficult and awful life can be just does not match a True loving God..
I got news for you - Nobody's life is great. If it is, watch out - it ain't gonna stay that way for long..
A Belief in a true loving God has nothing to do with how messed up or good your life is..
How do you improve your life from what it has become ?? You have to stop looking at and listening to other people..
They can't run their own lives right and you are looking to them like they have all the answers and are doing so well and have it all together, and that you are such a Loser !!
You're not a Loser and they are not such Winners...
You have Strengths and things you are Great at.. Find what these things are and pursue them, with lots of energy because you are good at this and what you do will produce results.
I'm bad and unsuccessful at lots of things.. I just don't worry about them or even spend time thinking about them at all..
I spend my time on the things I am good at that I love and make me feel good, at what I have accomplished after giving lots of effort and Not giving up!!
It doesn't have to be big things. There's nothing wrong with accomplishing small things and being happy with that..
And don't listen to other people if they are not happy with you. They will Never be Happy with you, so don't even try to do this..
GS, I've tried to share how I've done better, and I was a Bigger Loser than Anyone on Health Unlocked !! Promise.
Please write back if anything I said means anything at all to you.
I did try to share my beliefs and thoughts..
I care that you lost your faith and life seems kind of pointless right now..
Thanks for reading all of this. I get a little carried away sometimes..
thank you for reaching out and sharing with me, CM22
i appreciate your kindness very much.
Yeah, i guess i lost faith in faith in a god.
although, god and religion are really at the bottom of my worry list... i don't think about it so much anymore and i am more and more sure of my decision of stepping outside of that box as time passes.
but i do know that life isn't generally fair all the time. i understand we *all* struggle. i know life isn't meant to be perfect or without challenges... i knew that even when i was a believer so i was never naïve to that truth. over time, i just grew out of the belief that there is a big guy up there trying to get all personal with me. perhaps "he" gets personal with others, though. i really can't say or judge that for anyone else. i can only express my personal experience.
thank you for encouraging me to focus on what i am good at, big or small, and appreciating those accomplishments. it's true, sometimes we compare ourselves with others and feel like losers when what's really happening is that we all have different strengths. i didn't realize i needed that reminder until i just read it.
and thank you for sharing your progress on becoming and feeling better. you seem like a genuine gentle soul... the world needs more people like you
Yes I've got to learn that a belief in a"personal" God is not important to everyone.. I knew I might be off base but am glad you needed a reminder to focus on your strengths, and not your weaknesses - oh my goodness !!!
Hi Greenshoes3, I would love to offer you help and support at this time. What you're going through isn't easy, but I promise you there is a rainbow on the other side of it, you just have to find it. Conquering anxiety and depression is possible, without medication. I am proof! I want to recommend a beautiful book to you. This book is what started me on my journey of self improvement, and is what changed my life to what it is now. I will always pass this book on to help others as I have been helped. I am sure you have seen my posts on other forums as well. True change is possible. A beautiful, meaningful life without suffering is possible. <3
Let me know if that works! You should be able to just download it to your computer or phone, or both! My email is carrieroflight96@gmail.com if you want to message me directly. I haven't figured out how to directly message on this site yet haha.
Welcome to this group. Maybe try to go out and get some form of exercise. It can help with mood. You can also try journaling, write down your thoughts and should be therapeutic for you. You have so much to live for, you have value. Welcome again!
Hi greenshoes3. i like your username. can I ask you how you came up with that name?
You post caught my attention, I relate to it. I am an ongoing persistent, blessed overcomer. If it is ok may I ask, what meds have you tried? there are many and it is a process of trial and error to find the right one for you. Do you have anyone close to you that you can trust like a family member you, friend, co-worker, neighbor an agency? It is very important that have a person to discuss things on a regular basis. This forum is a great start, glad you did. Now, if you don't have a therapist or counselor, this is a great time to start. Keep in mind to be easy on yourself. This is a process so be patient. Practice self-care, self-love, self-control, and lots of forgiveness to who ever and what ever and even where ever these emotions stem from then forgive yourself so that you can begin the healing process. We need to forgive ourselves so that we can say, yes i have made some not good choices, may not have been in a good place, and may not have like how i feel right now but...I can make a difference right now how I feel. "do not allow such events control you". There is so much to information iv learned that i think that will help you and anyone else in the silimar situation... if you want to talk further, you can contact me here. sending encouragement.
i just replied to your message and the whole thing got deleted
i tried a few medications but the most recent was wellbutrin and topamax.
i'm kind of over trying new medications. i know it's the way to figure out what works best but i feel like a guinea pig and like i'm taking all these unnecessary medications that just make me throw up.
i stopped seeing my therapist when i noticed he was spacing out during our sessions. not the first time i had a disappointing experience with talk therapy so i'm kinda over that too.
i have family that are very loving but they don't really understand my whys. i don't even understand my whys. it's difficult to explain the details of what brought me to this place in life. i'm here, "how" is blurry right now and all i want is to be cured.
self love/care is one of my biggest struggles. and forgiving others is much easier than forgiving myself... so i understand how important it is to get through those particular humps.... it's a daily decision that is often difficult to make. there are days when getting out of bed and into the shower is my biggest accomplishment. but for now i'm choosing daily the best i can.
thank you for reaching out, sabio... your words are greatly appreciated. right now hearing the right things and being reminded of the steps toward healing do more for me than a pill. sometimes it's difficult to keep the simple things in perspective... like... forgive yourself, take care of your body, go for walks, read and write.... those things go out the window when i'm in the thick of my darkness. when someone that truly knows what it means to be here shares things like that with me, i feel less alone and empowered to push forward. thank you.
one day someone asked me to help them set up an email account. they asked me for suggestions on what it should be because they'd drawn a blank. i said "it could be anything! it could be your name, a phrase or random words like 'greenshoes'!" they liked green shoes and i thought it was funny that they picked that (in a different language and modified a bit) so when i drew a blank on what to use as my name here, that story came to mind and i decided to just add my favorite number and so here i am... greenshoes3
You are an awesome person, need I remind you of that. do not worry about what the day will bring. just take it as it comes. one moment, one step at a time, one day at a time. have little to do tasks that you want to accomplish in the morning a one or two things for the afternoon , and or evening. then just go with the flow. as you aim for the tasks to get done you will be building your positive mindset. you want to focus on productive, positive thoughts, actions, words. as my therapist tells me, its not so much the big picture because theres the what ifs that get to us. its more about the "moment". be thankful of the moment. this is what helps me, example: thank you God for my strength this moment. for my peace this moment, for my stability this moment. see, it can be anything that you are thankful for. whenever you have a hard moment, turn it around to be a positive thankful moment. take hold of whatever it is and control your thought process. This is golden advice that took me along time to learn and then apply. this is priceless and precious truth that therapists don't really tell you. i am here if you wish to talk more. You are valuable. you have a life purpose. Also, another golden nugget: structure/schedule... like i said before with a task or two to do, really helps keep you focused. let me know how you are doing. i will be thinking about you.
That happened to me also, a lot of people are desperate for not be able to see what to do, I did a iop program help me a lot but I am responsible for what I do
Please take notes and understand your feelings and tell your self you are worth in this life write about the feeling but you remember you are not what you think and what you do and say your actions
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Looking for Hope, Meaning and Love
Feeling a Little Helpless
Feeling A Little Depressed
Don't have faith and hope in life 
New here & just looking for an outlet or direction...something.
