I went to work today. It was immensely difficult. I felt so mentally distressed and self conscious. I felt so drained and ugly being out there. But I went. I really pushed myself today and felt so much better for going out to do my window cleaning job.
I also prayed most of the day too which really helped me cope and process things. I prayed about things that are close to me and is damaging to me. (Silently of course 😋) There is a scripture I read from this morning by chance just before I went to work. A friend sent it to me and it helped me. It says:
"Throw your burden on Jehovah (God's name in the Bible), and he will sustain you"
Its in Psalms 55:22 (or in the Zabur (if I spelled that right?) if you are muslim).
There was also these words in my friend's message:
"The word burden in the Hebrew text (the original language of the scripture) literally means ' lot' and it refers to the cares and the anxieties that we might suffer because of our lot in life". Jehovah is more aware of these burdens than anyone else and can give us the strength to deal with them. That is why the directive is to throw them to Jehovah"
I read this and it really inspired me to pray about my 'lot' and 'throw it' in prayer on God.. Just everything thats been close to my heart (silently of course when I was around others... Im not a weirdo 😋). I really talked about the things that hurt me inside that noone can really understand unless they are in my head. All the fears and sadnesses and hurt thats been the cause of my depression. It helped me lots to understand myself and process things and know better how to deal with things. Im not saying it solved everything but it helped me more than if I didnt do it. It made me realise I need to do that more often.
I feel somewhat better right now. Im going to go to bed now and start another day. Im actually looking forward to tomorrow which is a rarity. I have so so much to do though but at least Im not feeling overwhelmed like I have been feeling lately. One day at a time though.
I have a real problem with looking after myself and struggle to sleep alot because I often feel guilty for doing good things for myself. I need to rest though. I need to look after myself but its so hard. But Im feeling more able to tonight. Goodnight everyone 🤗
P.s. I will reply to everyone soon. Im just so so tired from not sleeping thats all. Also, Ive got rid of my internet now as I have really addictive tendencies and its not good for me so I dont have it constantly. I literally can read rubbish for hours and hours! I need to not have internet at all or restrict my usage. So will get back on here when I get wifi. I hope you understand. Im just a bit poorly and can misuse things addictively and severely to deal with my emotional pain. Its so hard to be balanced with it 😵
Feeling a little better now
I don’t know what to do
I don’t know what I want anymore 
I dont know, i just want to end this all
