New Parent

[Music_Man]

It’s difficult for me to share my feelings, but I know I am in a safe and open community that understands exactly what I’m going through. I am a new dad and I am trying my best to make myself useful and help out as much as I can with the baby. There are times when I feel like I am just in the way and that I am not helping anyone, and it doesn’t help that my wife and I live with her parents. Don’t get me wrong I am very grateful and thankful that they have allowed us to stay with them because we can’t afford a place of our own at the time, but my mother in law has a very straight forward personality and if I’m doing anything wrong, with the baby, she just comes right out and says it and instead of letting me figure it out she just steps in and takes control so I just leave the room. As you can imagine this makes me feel even more useless and in the way. Every day is not like this, but today has been a rough day for me. Sometimes I feel like nobody needs me. Can anyone relate?

[Agora1]

Congratulations Music Man on becoming a new daddy. It can be a difficult adjustment to

a marriage however take it as a learning experience that has many joyful returns.

Living with your in-laws may not be the ideal situation but believe me, it's nice having the support from someone who's been there before and has experience.

Watch and learn from your mother-in-law and wife. Your day will come believe me. xx

[Music_Man in reply to Agora1]

Thank you Agora1! I know a lot of times it is hard to allow trying situations be a learning experience, but I also know that we can all be made better for it by being open to wise and helpful council. Thank you so much for reminding me of this!

[Operalady]

Hi New dad, Everyone is heightend because of the baby! Your wife is getting adjusted, her hormones are readjusting

Especially if she is breastfeeding! Yes so much going on women just seem to take over even if grandma should be conciderate of you the new dad too! You need your bonding time too! With Grandma helping yes I understand you can feel left out! Talk to your wife . Tell her exactly how your feeling so all three of you can nurture each other! I believe Grandma needs to know her place and allow the three of you, your wife, baby and you to work things out! I am a grandma, and try to know my place. I believe when things have settled down it will be better! But talk to your wife telling her exactly how you feel! This is a wonderful time for the three of you to love and nurture each other especially you and your wife! Give her little messages to help her milk come in. Be with her while breastfeeding. You need your time to grow in loveand confidence . Your wife when the time is right needs to talk to her mom! Grandma will understand that it’s important for the three of you to work it out and help when asked too! It’s important to talk about all this when time is right lovingly!be honest and lovingly truthful!

[Music_Man in reply to Operalady]

Thank you so much Operalady! I’m trying to do better at giving my wife space because I know she needs to talk to her mom about things that she can’t really talk to me about. I hope to make good progress everyday at being a better husband, and a better father.

[Operalady in reply to Music_Man]

Oh Music man I wish I could have talked to my husband about everything ! The closer you three bond! The better your whole life will be! Good luck!

[AndrewT]

Dear Music_Man,

That Lovely Poet Pam Ayres describes YOUR 'Feelings', so well. 'Thay are in the Bath', 'They are Reading a Book', 'They are Cuddling Up'.... poor 'Dad' the Fifth Wheel!

Make yourself Busy, on those 'not so glamerous but essectial jobs', Empty the Nappy bin, Make the Baby Bottles- or clean the Nursing Teats, if she is Breast Feeding. Make HER some lovely Food- she may, very well, not 'Show it' but your contribution IS VERY MUCH appreciated. Put the Vacuuum 'round', Tidy Away the Plates, Dishes, Cups, Bottles, and keep her 'More Personal Stuff' clean/ sanitised, for her.

Yes, the Mother- In- Law, laying Down the 'Law' dosen't Help much.... Yes, whatever YOU 'do' WILL be Wrong- just accept that. If you, Really Do, want to help then DO 'take the Blame'- that way Your Wife, Your Child's Mother, will not be put under Any More Stress- trust me, despite appearances she IS 'Struggling'. (without being, too crude, about Things... her poor Breasts are, almost certainly, 'Red Raw' and, she is probably still Sore 'Down There', from the Birth.)

So 'Come On' Dad, Hang in There.... Inspite of appearances, you ARE 'Needed' more than ever..... If only to Keep the Peace!

Congratulations to you both, in fact, all three of you.

AndrewT

[Music_Man in reply to AndrewT]

Thank you AndrewT! Your advice is very much appreciated and very encouraging. I did not think about it like that. You really have helped me see my importance in this season that my family and I are going through, and I can’t thank you enough for that!

[AnxM in reply to AndrewT]

AndrewT, I don't know what you are struggling with but you sound like someone who is very understanding, compassionate and wise. I wished that you had given my husband the same advice when we had our baby many years ago. I am now still struggling with mental issues from that time (see my post below if you are interested). Bless you!

[Hidden]

Congratulations on the birth of your baby! And I have often thought about how difficult it can be for first time dads, especially if you have not been around babies much. I hope it gets easier as things settle into a routine for mama and child.

[Music_Man in reply to Hidden]

Thank you Phil-4-13! I really appreciate that. I don’t mean to complain or make it sound like I have it worse than anyone else because I know that’s not true. Sometimes I still struggle with depression. It use to be a lot worse before I found Jesus. There was a time in my life that I self harmed myself and had thoughts of suicide, and I almost went through with it a couple of times. Things are much better now, but I still have those times that are really rough as does everyone else too. I didn’t mean to ramble. I really appreciate your encouragement!

[AnxM]

Congratulations on your new baby. I'm glad to see that you are getting such great advice here. I wished that someone had given my husband the same advice back then. It would have saved us many years of hell - which we are still going through even though our only child is now a teen.

Even though you are not breastfeeding, your hormones have also been triggered by the birth of your baby. You are also fiercely protective of your baby and want to do everything you can for your baby.

I wished that I had understood this back then and was able to be more considerate. Back then, I was struggling with anxiety due to the premature birth of my baby, so I ignored my husband when he complained that I "no longer cared about him".

If your wife is like me and many other women, she will be very bossy at this time. And not very considerate of you. You need to understand that it is not personal. She is driven by hormones and powerful maternal instincts. (Your mother in law is another issue - she needs to treat you more nicely!)

Please do not make the same mistake as my husband. He decided to bully his way into everything. Literally. What made it worse was that my mother in law did the same thing. On top of everything that I was struggling with, I felt that they ganged up against me, and I was convinced that they would hurt the baby after my mother-in-law almost dropped him in front of me. It was a such an intensely stressful time for me because of the both of them. If only they had both given me some space, I would have been able to relax more, and been kinder to them as well as myself. I am still currently dealing with PTSD/Anxiety related to that time. As you can expect, the marriage is terrible and I am looking to get out.

So enough about me - I just want you to know that what you do at this time can have a very big impact on the rest of your marriage and family life. I'm glad that AndrewT gave some awesome advice.

My best wishes for you and your baby.

[Music_Man in reply to AnxM]

Thank you so much for your advice AnxM! I will take all I can get because I know there is a lot to learn. I really appreciate you taking the time to share your story with me. I am very sorry that you’re going through such a rough time right now, and I am very sorry about what you and your baby went through with your mother-in-law and your husband. I truly do hope that things get better for you and that things work out with your marriage. I don’t pretend to understand fully what you are still going through, but in all sincerity I wish I could make it better for you. Life is hard enough and some people don’t help make it any easier that is for sure. Again I want to thank you for your advice. It really means a lot to me, and thank you for your best wishes for my family. I wish you and yours the best also.

[AnxM]

Thanks for your warm and compassionate message. I am a wreck but if my experience can help someone else in a small way, it would comfort me. I think you and your little family will be okay because you’re a good and caring and person.