It might be alot, don't worry about reading, I just need to put it out there.

[milkweed1830]

I feel soooooooo sad. Like disgustingly sad. Like a sour sad. And there's so many factors to it yet there's also no reason I should feel like this. I guess I'll start with the loneliness... man. I feel so alone. It breaks my heart because I have my friends and my family who are great but I still feel unwanted. Like not a burden but just a pest heh. I used to have this amazing relationship with myself in which I was okay being alone, but I'm not enough for me anymore. And as horrible as it sounds, no one is enough for me anymore. I love them with all my heart, I do, but I can't help it. No one soothes the ache anymore. And I guess it's bad I'm looking for it in others but, I do more damage to myself than good. And it sucks because sleeping doesn't help. Either I don't get enough rest, I'm not tired so I don't sleep at all, or I do sleep and wake up just aching. As if my body is punishing me for waking up. The days blend together now. Like I'm sure they are for everyone but shoot, idk. There's this place I love so much but can't go to bc my mom won't let me but at this point I'm holding on to the idea of the day I can go again. If I don't, then there's really nothing for me here anymore. My anxiety was getting bad for a bit but it's been under control lately, thankfully. I've been getting high alot so idk if that's what's calmed me down, regardless, I'm thankful to the weed but I wish I didn't need it. Now for the part I'm so embarassed about but I can't deny it breaks my heart. There's this boy who I thought liked me but he doesn't. He never did, and I've loved him all along. I'll spare the details but, it was another one of those things I was holding on to, that maybe once I had things would get better, but it blew up in my face and I feel so stupid. And the thing is he doesn't even know. No one does but me, and it's been years of me loving him. There's just so much. Chapters to my sadness. I wish I could write it all down, I wish my mind allowed me to find the words. funny because when I'm deep in the mood, deep in the sadness in the moment, I have all these feelings but now, nothing. It's like they hide from me when I'm trying to release myself. So I can just sound stupid and crazy when I'm trying to get help and then sneak back up on me before bed. Self sabotage. Food also doesn't do it for me anymore. I haven't been eating too well. I'm almost 8 pounds down though, and I know it's bad but I feel good about it. And I'm not going to stop either. Another example of self sabotage but one I'm actually in control of. Well, yeah. That's been me recently. I don't know what to do with myself or to do in general to help myself. To make the thoughts stop. To make the days better. To feel like me again.

[Hidden]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I'm not sure what I can say to make you feel better, it's always tough when someone we really like or love just doesn't feel the same way about us. Let him go. There's a lot of other guys out there. Would a song cheer you up??? Head on over to YouTube and look up Meghan Trainor, I Love Me. Hope it helps!!!🙂

[milkweed1830 in reply to Hidden]

how sweet of you😭😭 that’s such a cute song. that helped a bit. thanks 🤍

[Dot_]

Hi Milkweed, I totally get where you're coming from. I too have been struggling with being content on my own. My family and friends love me and help to make me feel appreciated. But when they leave home or another, instant the dread sets in. I've been in and out of relationships the past several years and they've ended with me loving so much more. They leave and I feel vulnerable and stupid. But what keeps me going is the idea of a better tomorrow, striving for the day I'm living the life I've dreamed of. One that I'm happy of myself and my accomplishments. It takes time to feel that sense of warmth for self love, but in all good time it does come. So keep going, remember that no matter what, you are your own strongest and biggest cheerleader.

[Dot_ in reply to Dot_]

Also, don't ever be embarrassed about love. It's truly an unexplainable, good feeling!

[milkweed1830 in reply to Dot_]

that part abt feeling stupid for putting so much effort in... i felt that. and what sucks is IT WAS ALL IN MY HEAD. i played myself. and i’m just sad abt it but thanks. it feels good to not be the only one. sending you hugs

[Linakv24]

Hi, thanks for sharing your story. I’ve never done weed before if it causes an adrenaline I wouldn’t be able to handle it. When an anxiety hits that’s my adrenaline and I HATE that feeling. But I do understand about escaping reality at times. Sometimes over the years I feel like I feel nothing. No love for myself or anyone. I don’t care either. But I know deep down I feel something be I’m broken due to my issues. You gave your story about liking a guy. In all my years I’ve only liked one guy and he broke my heart over and over that now I don’t feel anything for him..just friendship. Because if he really ever liked me he wouldn’t have played with me (sometimes I wonder because of my anxiety he knew I would forgive because I limit myself due to my fears ). There I’ll be better days!!

[milkweed1830 in reply to Linakv24]

It doesn’t cause an adrenaline rush i don’t think! I don’t want to pressure you into it though hah but indica with equal CBD has just helped calm me down. i feel only way you can get scared or anything is if it’s a foreign feeling and you start panicking . but if you just allow yourself to let it do it’s thing, it’s a big help. but there’s other methods as well! also, man. see it’s probably been like 5 years now of me feeling like this but i’m glad it’s happening now (me realizing it’s not good for me) than later and just wasting more of my time. i’m happy to hear you came to a similar realization. i hope it’s been better for you with him 🤍 and only gets easier

[frankieram]

thank you for sharing. you are not alone. it makes me sad to hear this but glad to know we have each other. I know what it’s like to have friends and family who are great people but not great when it comes to showing their love and appreciation. it hurts to feel so empty and alone especially when it feels like there are so many people out there that could help. the hardest part is learning to let feelings go. whenever i try i feel trapped like the words just can’t come out. when i’m sad like really sad i could write pages and pages but when i’m not i just feel empty and lost. I wish i had the words to describe how it feels but it feels like you know. keep going and being you because you are more than you know. i appreciate you sharing

[milkweed1830 in reply to frankieram]

i feel like you know also. and that feels amazing. honestly just thank you for that. it soothes that ache in my heart, the one that feels misunderstood 🤍 sending you hugs