Sadly I’m back

[blue1764]

I used this site almost everyday about 2 years ago but stopped once I felt more centered and more like myself with less mental health issues. I am now back because my anxiety has hit an all time high as well as my depression. I have this amazing job I just got about 3 months ago and today was like my 10th time missing work so I’m on a very tight rope with that but I’m so depressed most days I can’t even get up anymore. My mom tries her best to be helpful and tells me to push through it and I’ll be happy I did etc but nothing helps. I’m dealing with the loss of my drug addict father, he is not dead but I had to cut him out of my life due to toxicity. I feel like I’ll never be ok and I’ll never grow up. I’m 19 years old and I’ve always been the odd one out. The one who never properly grew up and can’t seem to be responsible if her life depended on it. I crave change and a new life. The days seem to be blending together at this point and I just can’t do it anymore. I have this long life dream of moving to Los Angeles and for a while I was doing super well saving money and planning it all out and now that I’m super depressed it’s all gone to shit. At this point everyday before I go to bed I pray I won’t wake up in the morning. I can’t do this anymore I feel so unstable and insane like I’m losing my mind. My life is this repetitive cycle of me thinking I’m ok and getting my life together then getting depressed and ruining it all and this happens every few months every since I was 11 or 12. Please help me I don’t know what to do.

[akshataha]

Hi blue first of all, always understand that you are not ALONE & you have to stay STRONG.

[Hidden]

Hey blue, you're definitely not alone with that. I'm new here and its fascinating how much of myself I read in your text. I don't know what to do either but maybe it's okay to feel lost for a while. Think with depression is, it always gets better, right?

[Hidden]

Hey blue1764.

A lot of what you wrote resonated with me as I read through it. I've been there.... still there. I've battled with depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts for more than 20 years now.... it's awful. That said though, there were times in my life where they went on the back burner and not the complete focus. For me, most of the more "crisis" times came while a relationship was ending and then ended. It always throws me down a spiral. The thing I'm starting to realize though is that life is not a 2D repetitive cycle... it's really more 3D (4D sometimes). What that means is that while it may feel repetitive, you are in a different place then the last time you experienced intense anxiety and depression. You know more now than you did then. And that's huge. It opens new pathways you didn't know were possible.

For example, the last time I felt intense depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts was 5 years ago after the last time a relationship I hope would be my last ended.... over those 5 years, I thought I had progressed and put myself on a path that would lead me somewhere new.... and in many respects it did. Until this past year, when I had another relationship that I genuinely believed would be the last.... then it too also ended. And while it threw me down a hole of wanting to end my life.... this time was different than all the previous ones. This time on some level I knew what I needed to do and was willing to do to keep moving forward. It hasn't been roses, puppy dogs and rainbows, but there is a new path I find myself on. The hope is that it's leading me somewhere great.

There is no definitive answer to changing the cycles. That said, there are things you can do to at least make it better ever so slightly.... Take things second by second. Journal. Meditate. Practice self care. Get active. Eat healthy. Connect with people who "get it." All of these separately or together might not immediately fix what's going on, but they will slowly help put you on a different path. It won't change overnight... but overtime you'll have a net positive in your life and find you're in a better place (even with setbacks).

Feel free to reach out any time. We're here for you.

[blue1764 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you so much for your kind reply I really appreciate it. Makes me feel not so alone 🤍

[ciley]

please don't think you must be 'grown up ' at only 19~because you can't~i hardly knew i was alive then~people with mental health issues imo have them on and off all life~you are doing well,i can assure you of that why? because you are TRYING SOMETIMES NO ANSWERS COME AND SO YOU DO YOUR bEST AND BIDE YOUR TIME~i've been going through hell 7 years now for a mix of reasons

[Agora1]

Hi blue, I can't really add more than what "trtl182" said. It's very true that we learn from our life experiences and become better able to address them differently as we mature.

You are so young yet and may see this as repetitive and never changing. But life does and

you change with it as well.

I'm glad you came back to this site. A therapist as well as good support around you will help you not feel so alone and so lost. xx

[cbgrace1980]

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. It sounds like you can lean on your mom for support. I'm sorry that you are feeling so down. Have you talked to your doctor about how you are feeling? I think that is super important because you definitely can't deal with this alone. You certainly have a good presence of self because you describe your feelings so beautifully and articulately. I would never want anyone to feel like not waking up in the morning. If your doctor won't take you seriously, a good counselor will. I have trusted both in my life and I no longer struggle with depression like I did a while ago. I am here for you!

[Ryan990]

Have you ever considered micro dosing magic mushrooms or lsd? Works wonders for depression , without all the shitty side effects that anti depressants give you

[blue1764 in reply to Ryan990]

I haven’t but I struggle with derealization caused by severe anxiety so I don’t think that would work well for me. I used to smoke weed and it helped a lot with anxiety but now I can’t smoke it without having panic attacks