I woke up at 6am wednesday from shooting pains going down my arm from a partial dislocation. not only was I in pain, but the pain shocked me awake so my brain isn’t ready to deal with any of it yet so after an hour of trying to get my arm back in place myself, I started crying. I was desperate and asked for my mom’s help (rarely go to her unless I can’t do it myself). She couldn’t help and I couldn’t move much and had to call in work sick which made me feel worse so I got back in bed and cried more trying to talk to my mom as she keeps interrupting me like she always does and it made me “snap” so I said “im not trying to be mean but oh my god, I can’t get a word in or finish a thought” and she finally shut up. I vented to my mom how hard it is to try and hide being as disabled as I am, manage all my issues on my own without support or money and how everyone’s overwhelming advice is “just be positive and power through it like everyone else”. Her only response was “looks like you got yourself worked up”, and I thought, REALLY, ‘that’s’ what you have to say after I opened up to you? no empathy or sympathy or validation? this woman is disabled with similar health problems herself and that’s it? this is why I can’t open up to her, she can help with ‘doing’ stuff but has always been emotionally unavailable like this or told me it’s not worth crying over and I need to stop being negative.
It gets better because I had to get an emergency chiro appt and had to do it that day. I don’t own a car and borrow from my mom, sister or dad and my sister’s car was the only one there. She had work and dance around the time of the appointment I could get so my mom suggested I drop my sister a off at work, go to my appointment and then pick her up; I thought that was reasonable compromise. My sister (22) was pissed. In the car she started going on about how it’s a huge inconvenience for her because she can’t go to dance because im using her car KNOWING that im using it to go to the doctor for the obvious pain. she even suggested I did it on purpose so I was pissed because this narcissist was didn’t give a **** about me so got mad and I told her “you’re making this about you?!you think I plan this ****?! you think im trying to do this to spite you!? im sorry my partially dislocated shoulder is a HUGE ******* inconvenience for YOU but this is the appointment I could get and i have to do it TODAY! if I could predict this ****, I would plan ahead BUT I CANT!
My sister has publicly humiliated me just to impress her friends so this isn’t new behavior. I really don’t have any psychological or emotional support. Im so tired of having to deal with all of this on my own and any time I ask for help I get gas lighted, put on hold or get “you’re inconveniencing me and others, can you fall apart and struggle quietly somewhere else”. even as a teenager, I had to deal with my verbally abusive brother, manipulative sister, depression, anxiety, executive dysfunction undiagnosed autism and being a social outcast by. my. self. I had no one to turn to and my only council was me, the internet and some books. I learned quickly that my feelings didn’t really matter and I was annoying or an inconvenience to everyone. The only sort of emotional support I get ‘now’ is from my therapist that I have to pay to give a **** and I only get to talk to them twice a month because they’re so busy. They’re the first one i’ve seen since I was a kid because my family couldn’t afford therapy or had the time and energy for me. this turned into a long rant so i’ll stop now.
Slowly losing faith again…
Tension headaches 
Struggling with medication
i do not want to be a mom. 
