I'm not ready.

[shay8blue]

I don't even know how to start or how to form words but today I was talking with my councilor whom I've been with for about 3 years now and he finally got me to realize how toxic my house is and how I've been raised to believe it's okay. Let me explain. I'm 17 and still live with my mom and she is constantly sick (autoimmune disease) and not doing well mentally either but isn't "abusive". My councilor was explaining she started raising me to be independent and to never need someone els but then began manipulating me to believe I wont amount to anything in life and the world is a scary place yet puts me down all the time so I back down and submit believing my only caregiver and support person. I end up just doing what she says. After all she needs me really to keep the house clean and in order since she cant all the time. Since I'm in my last semester of high school and am starting to go into the real world and I'm struggling to leave my toxic house scared things will just get harder and or worse. I can't keep a job due to my depression getting so severe I just cant keep going and my mom is starting to pressure me into becoming an adult when I'm not ready yet. I dont know what to do. Either way I need a job to pay rent but I dont have anywhere els to really go to live or many jobs in my area to begin with. Me councilor has been trying to urge me to leave the house I'm in but I feel obligated to stay since shes my mom and I care even if that means I get mentally and emotionally hurt. What should I do? I feel like I've reached the end of the road. I dont know how to keep my mental health under control and live as an adult. I cant stop thinking about ways to kill myself since that's the only path I see myself going after high school. I need help.

[hurtingheart1]

Oh my heart goes out to you soo much💞💞first of all though please try very hard & fight the thoughts about harming yourself in any way - that just cannot be a thought you allow! I’m sorry your living situation is soo hard I hav dealt with similar type issues with unhealthy behavior & treatment - parent also ill medication & other factors involved!

[shay8blue in reply to hurtingheart1]

Thank you for this. Sometimes I feel so alone and it's hard to understand the tactics of manipulation especially when it's someone you truly trust and love. May I ask how you fought to get away from toxic living?

[hurtingheart1 in reply to shay8blue]

Well unfortunately I’m in situation where I cannot move so I’ve really struggled at times😣- I come on here for support when I need it reach out to who I can or search for things online to help give me ways to try & help- financially and now with virus situation made everything so difficult. Advice I’ve been given is to know I’m valuable and that I have to try separate myself or distance myself best as possible away from situation use headphones take a walk, prayer, listen to uplifting music, positive podcast, or videos. If I can discuss it with family I live with at calm moments and be honest how I’m feeling, I’ve also had a close friend tell them how I feel about situation and what I need. This is all not easy!! For now it’s excruciating for me because my sweet baby dog has passed & she was my best friend and companion who loved & comforted me soo many times and she’s gone- I’m trying to cope & in shock so my words may not even be coming out clearly💔💔😂😣So hope you understand this! It’s just I’d take her on walks and exercise when feeling extra down she was my very best friend whom I really don’t have many at all!!!😣😞😱🥺my family seems to really be hurt though by this at moment things are different they are communicating and being much more caring (which is ?I don’t know what to say about it?) just that maybe they are truly trying to change & feel bad!

[Laurennnnnnn]

I had a very similar situation with my mom.

I finally moved out this year, at 26 years old, and was so scared. But it’s been the best thing for me and fixed a lot of damage our relationship had