If I get hit with one more thing...

[jvdonkey2020]

I'm not even sure what I want out of this. Just before the pandemic hit, I decided it was time to divorce my bipolar husband. We just hit our 19th year together. I've tried couples therapy, individual therapy (during the "it's all my fault" phase). To say that I feel like I've tried everything to remain in my marriage is putting things lightly. If I'm totally honest, I don't want it to end, but it has to end. He tried to choke me a year ago and that kind of put things into perspective.

The two aspects of our relationship that have hurt the most are the financial abuse - he drained me dry and continues to try and control me financially and there's a pedophilic aspect to his bipolar that has been and is unbearable to me. I was abused as a child.

So, here I am, stuck in the same house with someone I am afraid of, afraid of what he'll do to someone else, and can no longer invest any emotion in/with.

If I try to do anything to better my situation - either mentally, physically, or anything, he loses his crap. So I'm trying this to see if anything good or helpful can come of it.

I'm completely lost. I'm completely alone. And crying about my situation just makes me sick.

jvdonkey

[Hidden]

Hi, before divorcing him, have you tried to separate? Just leaving the house for your own safety? This does not have to happen immediately, take baby steps if you need to. You say you are completely alone, maybe you feel as people abandoned you in some way? If so look at things from another perspective, maybe you’ve abandoned other things giving all your energy into this toxic relationship. 19 years is a long time, but that doesn’t mean you had to stick with what’s familiar. You’ll end up getting old either with or without him. Might as well be happy. You have more power than you think. If you seek for help to leave, you’ll be surprised how many kind hearted people are willing to help.

[jvdonkey2020 in reply to Hidden]

We've been on a hard downward spiral for years. If I stay, either his anger or my high blood pressure will kill me.

You are correct when you said I abandoned other things to focus on a toxic relationship. And now I feel foolish.

My main issue is at the moment, I'm pretty stuck and scared. And being scared makes me immobile.

[Hidden]

So sorry your in such an overwhelming situation, and my first reaction on reading your post is that you may benefit from focusing all your attention on getting out if there, yes you've been married a very long time but that does not mean you have to live this life that is obviously causing your own mental health to suffer.

I'm no expert and I can only give advice from my own life experiences, don't put yourself through this, leave and then you can begin to heal in peace xxx

[charliegirl2016]

Taking care of yourself emotionally and mentally is critical and therapy can help you, if you're willing. That can also give you guidance and direction for your safety as well. 19 years is alot of years with someone, so it depends on whether you love him enough to work with someone to help you process and deal with the issues in the relationship. Taking it one day at a time and it's your decision.