TRIGGER WARNING
Hi everyone,
So to simply put it: I lost my father to suicide last week Monday. I am enduring the fact of being his 30 yr old daughter that found him at the barn, and having to call my mom at work.
He had been dealing with back pain for years. Went through surgeries that didn’t work, and suffered from depression that he didn’t deal with.
He was a great man who loved helping people, but really struggled with asking for help. The typical John Wayne farm boy mentality “you’re the man of the house.”
What’s so hard about it is that even though I worked from home, I tried talking with him since I was with him everyday. He was my whole world, and I wish I could have done more or said more. He was the type of guy that wrote down everything, but ironically not any notes explaining why.
There were a lot of things that stacked against him: the back pain, financial issues from not working, and the day before his passing he lost his best friend to cancer.
We didn’t see it coming, which makes this so incredibly hard. I’ve been living with mom and dad for three years to help keep costs down (I renovated the basement and turned that into an apartment), so now mom won’t be alone.
I have some therapy appointments scheduled but I wanted to reach out to anyone who has handled losing a family member this way/ended being the person finding that family member. Just really trying to be strong but finding that it’s harder than I thought it would be:
Slowly losing faith again…
Tension headaches 
"don't do it" 
Struggling with medication
