Rhythm of Hope

[Rudolph26]

Memories embrace my heart warmly as I recall your smile. Bringing me to peace yet again as my imagination makes my dreams go wild. Imagining all of the things that I know we could be, only to remember that it’s nothing more than that, a dream. But is it wrong that this dream is only with you? Even when I know it couldn’t and shouldn’t ever come true? Is it pitiful to say I miss kissing your soft lips even though I know I don’t have the right to admit that I do? Would you laugh or mock me for fantasizing a life we both know will never be? I guess it would be easier if it wasn’t such a good dream...

So here I am, romanticizing the moments we had instead of grasping reality for what it is to us both. I wish I could be that perfect girl decorated in floral tattoos. Smoking a cigarette and begging to hop on your Bike with you. To have the boldness and freedom to go anywhere and be wild for at least a week. It’s a shame I’m only her inside my head. I’d have the boldness of cougar and the gentleness of mother. I’d have the wild side you crave and the sanity to keep us both in check.

But instead it’s just me. Simple me with Sandy blonde hair, hazel eyes, and a complacent smile. Looking too dumb to utter the right words, or acting too smart to be believable. Stupid stuttering me because I’m too awestruck to say what’s really on my mind as it races faster then my words can translate. A writer, a poet, a cook, and everything artistic(aside from graceful). I’m a clutze to a fault and will almost always make some kind stupid mistake. Morally uptight but always aching to take a break.

I’m a walking contradiction and the worst nightmare for any man. It kills me just a little inside because I never wanted to be less then enough for you. Before at least I didn’t know but now that I do, I wonder if I can be enough for your equal too.

Do I need to change in how a man sees who I am? Did I make a mistake in giving all I can? How do I move on from here? God... I wish I could have a few beers... maybe a case... can’t I be allowed to be a little irresponsible even for a moment? Can I forget my depression and drink it away just for a night? Can I get genuine comfort, peace, sanity... just for a second, even a nano second will suffice...

Why do I feel alone and sad when I chose this path I’m on? Is that really the only reason I considered this plan? Why am I so conflicted with all of these emotions and memories inside my head? I only wish I knew...

[ThePurpleTulip]

Hello Rudolph26, I feel your pain. Living a rich life in your mind with its complexities and nuances while the people around see a normal average person. Defined by the identity that you wrap around yourself, protecting you from the world and keeping you distant. I can say one thing - fear comes in many forms, it could be the soft whisper in the heart saying we’ll never be good enough, it could be the unbeatable perfectionism that robs us of our energy while we slog away at the work for someone else, it could be the thundering voices in our minds of our many detractors saying we’re worthless.. Here’s the punchline - fear always lies. Deception is its stock-in-trade. The tighter we hold on to our identity, the farther we are from life. With each breath we have the ability to see and experience reality as it is.. the breath flowing in, the life in our body, the world around vibrantly alive.. and in the moment between breaths we find freedom. Just breathe..

[Starrlight in reply to ThePurpleTulip]

Beautiful ❤️