A must read

I just stumbled upon an article written by Dylan Buckley. It's called: Giving can be toxic too: How to focus more on yourself and less on others. It described my life I was so shocked to see what goes on in my life right before my eyes. I was feeling down until I read

[Agora1]

Hi, I'm going to take a look at it. But it sounds very true. We give and give until

there is nothing left of us. We must love ourselves first. I'll get back to you xx

[Hidden in reply to Agora1]

And we usual don't get the same in return.

[Agora1 in reply to Hidden]

I thoroughly believe in that thought but I couldn't find it on YouTube.

[Hidden in reply to Agora1]

Google it

[Agora1 in reply to Hidden]

Thank You

[Agora1 in reply to Hidden]

Darknlovely, Well I learned something tonight...not about the article since I've

learned over time what over giving can do to a person. What I learned was

about "Google". I have never gone to Google in my life...a new experience for

me. Great article by Dylan Buckley. Something to read over and over when

it becomes a problem. Thanks for sharing an important message. I hope more

people give it a look. xx

[Hidden in reply to Agora1]

I get that. The article really helped me and I hope i keep it embedded in my mind because it could save me from a lot of heartache and pain please stop me from letting others use me.

[WiltedFlower]

yeah, ig i feel the opposite. It saved my life, I hated myself for so long, then it got toxic and I started to hurt myself, and I had to heal my wounds. Then in turn when I was in the hospitals and such, I was surrounded by other people that needed help, too. and I found that I actually did have a purpose in my life, and that was to help people, even if I wasn't getting help myself. I just wanted to give what I didn't really have. The family I grew up in were narcissistic and cruel, and the hospitals rather fill out paperwork on time rather than give a shit to check on someone who was strangling themselves- and someone was cutting themselves on a broken nailpolish bottle that they brought in against the rules! we needed help and it wasn't available so I'm going to try to do that even if im in the process of dying- and it isn't toxic. I just don't want to repeat the past and keep that bs ongoing into the future.

[Saltwater in reply to WiltedFlower]

Yes, the thing is to spend time and effort around the right kind of people. Those that need help the most, not those who just turn up when they want something. My family have drained me of my kind and giving spirit and I found it so much better to keep them at arms length and not allow them to bring me down. The relationship became very one way and was destructive and counterproductive to my recovery. In fact, it contributed to my poor mental health.

It became clear to me that they are not here for me, but only for what I do for them, for what I buy them etc....they are ungrateful and make me feel ill due to the way I use their neglect to turn on myself. Not even a Birthday wish once a year or the occasional text. Nothing, except when they wanted something. I used this pain to self harm and self loathe when it is not my failings but theirs that hurt me.

That had to stop. So now, I spend my time with those that need it, those that are grateful for it and those who give me nothing back except acceptance for the person that I am and they do not criticise or abuse.

For years, I have poured my efforts into my family while they take me for granted. Now I take care of homeless people, addicts and those with poor mental health. I give them my time because they need it and deserve it. A small gesture to them is worth so much more than just another expensive gift to a family member who doesn't need it and will just toss it in the pile with the rest while they continue to spend on themselves and do not share anything that they have with others.

I think the key to giving happily on both sides is giving to those that don't expect it like it is a given. To those that need it, not those who are selfish, greedy or grabby. Whether it's gifts, money or your time, some people can just use you or put on you to the point where you don't feel like you are doing a good thing any more, it just becomes expected and took for granted. What some people don't realise is that giving comes from the heart and each time you give, you give a little piece of yourself too. If you don't get this reciprocated, then you start to feel empty inside as you can lose more and more of yourself.

When we do nice things, whatever that may be, what we are actually doing is looking for kindness in the world, looking for people that mirror ourselves, for people like us. That is why it is important that someone makes us feel that kindness exists in the world by doing something nice in return. It's not about the stuff, the gifts, the money or anything like that. It's about what that deed says about others in the world. It says 'I care', 'I know you', 'I understand'. That's why giving is important and it is vital that we don't let others tarnish our spirits when they are unkind, selfish or don't reciprocate our kindness. We should not change the way we are, or we become like them. All we have to do is just change the people we choose to be around and learn to put our efforts in the right place. It's not the giving that's toxic, it's the people.

[WiltedFlower in reply to Saltwater]

I applaud you for growing strong and the person you are today, I'm glad your relationship with your family has encouraged you today help people that are kinder. I still just don't see it that way. If everyone thought that way, everyone who was one sided and they need help but don't give it, wouldn't get help at all. I want to make sure everyone who needs help can get it. where I'm from, there are a lot of one sided people, and I just refuse to sit by and watch them suffer even at the expense b/c i may need advice sometimes, but I need to learn to help myself and not rely on others. So I don't find it a problem.

[Saltwater in reply to WiltedFlower]

If you can continue to do that without struggling yourself, then that is good. I found it too difficult and too draining. It is wonderful to be so selfless as you are but for me, I lost myself somewhere along the way and filled the holes in my life with addiction that should have been filled with family. I prefer the company of strangers now. They do not make assumptions about you or use your good nature against you.

We are all so very different and different is good. Best wishes to you WiltedFlower, a beautiful name by the way.

[Hidden]

Great article ! couldn’t answer any one of the questions ... I’m still thinking about them. Thanks for sharing 👍🏻