I don't want blue to be my color but it seems like it always is

One of my favorite songs is Blue Ain't Your Color by Keith Urban. I just think that's a really nice song. However for a very long time, I just feel like I'm constantly sad and depressed. I mean, I'm not trying to sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself, but things have been really rough for me for a very long time and I don't know how to get out of the situation I just feel stuck in. I split up with someone I was with for 20 years. He was a good person, but in some ways he had more issues than I do and we were constantly struggling financially and I just felt like I'm tired of trying to make something work that just isn't going to. And it's not all his fault, I was trying to go back to college in my 30s to try to get some kind of degree and it was just taking me forever and when I got close to 40 I was fed up with trying to do that and sick of the relationship I was in too. We never had children, we really couldn't afford to and now I'm going to be 50 really soon and I feel sad about that because I do like kids-at least if their decent kids who aren't really mean or anything, and I guess I'm never going to be a mother. Even when I was younger in my 20s, I never actually wanted to get pregnant and have a baby but I wanted to adopt a couple of kids and try to give them a better life. Well, I just hardly have any money at all any more and my 40s have been very rough in particular. How can I adopt any kids at all, I can't support them. I don't even have my own apartment any more and I just don't want to live like this. I don't regret leaving my ex, it was for the best, but I have very little going for me and my future looks scary. I don't know what the answers are here, I comb through all these self help books and career guidance stuff and I feel more lost than ever. I was also in a bad car accident 2 years ago where I'm very lucky I didn't get hurt but the car was totalled. And now I get really nervous driving sometimes because of it. I share my mom's car with her but she's really driving it way more than I do. I'm very frustrated, when I was younger I thought by this point in my life I would have SOMETHING going for myself and this is not the way I want to live. I do not consider myself to be some dumb idiot but I struggle holding down jobs because I get so anxious around certain people. The less people I'm around, the better. I wish I could make a living as some kind of writer, or something to do with music, and I feel like such a burden on my family. A lot of jobs and things I've tried to do just haven't worked out. Now with this pandemic how can I move ahead??? I'm going insane. It's hard on everyone, but I already have issues with severe depression and anxiety and this is so rough. I'm living back with my parents and I'm grateful I'm not homeless but it's an adjustment for me, I'm really too old to be back here, I had my own apartment for a long time, my Dad in particular is hard to be around, he always has been. So many people just don't know how lucky they are in some ways. My luck has run out.

[hurtingheart1]

I’m sorry googoodollsfan -you seem like a very kind caring person -I appreciate you responding to my posts yesterday I was having anxiety and emotional pain-really low!! Also you’re soo caring -especially wanting to adopt kids!! That’s soo gr8 -hope there’s some more good encouraging advice as well from some others that are on here for you!! 💞💕💗🌻🌷I my self struggling so wish I could Offer more but best I can say is for me trying to have more of a spiritual connection with God has helped me most through prayer🙏🏼🙏🏼👀 and searching out to learn more! Especially to find hope cause o feel like this world is in such a crazy state and much more love is soo much needed !!!😱😱😂

[Hidden in reply to hurtingheart1]

Yes, I don't understand why things are so bad these days. And some people too are just cold as ice. I don't mean to bring up political stuff, but I watched Michelle Obama's speech this evening and I thought she was brilliant and amazing. I've also read her book she wrote and she is a very smart person herself. But I wish I could figure out how to make my life better. I'm working with a so called employment specialist but I do not have much faith in this person. Maybe I can get a part time job a few days a week, it's a start anyway. But I know it's just going to be like janitorial work but at least it's something. I don't want that to be what I'm doing the rest of my life though. I just think I have a lot more potential than that. I really wish I could take more piano and guitar lessons, right now during this pandemic I am picking out tunes on my families piano. My mom can read music better than me and I try to do some of that, I like to try to pick out different songs I hear and try to make up some stuff even if it sounds like nonsense, I know maybe I'm annoying other people around the house with it but sometimes I feel like it's too quiet around here. Wish I could like, form a band. All these popular singing 16 year old Disney prodigies, blahhh!!!