Adult fail

[SarcasmIsFun]

So, I'm a complete f***ing failure at this whole adulting thing. I think I'm doing okay and then the cycle of self abuse starts that ends in the inevitable apathetic numbness takes over, my inner survival instinct to keep me breathing.

I broke my car (please dont ask, it's getting fixed but it was entirely preventable but I just wasnt able to make myself give a damn) and I stepped out of my comfort zone in an attempt to create a nice birthday surprise for my sister that ended up causing issues with her SO instead. My wonderful mother made comments that ended up making me feel worthless ( STOP RIGHT THERE: her comments were justified and she meant no harm. I'm a yoke on her shoulders but she loves and supports me anyway. I'm just worthless in my own eyes so any criticism is painful echoing of my own thoughts.)

And to add a cherry to the self sabotaging sundae, I texted my ex husband, whom I've been very supportive to. even after lending him money to get a car AND after he admitted to falling off the wagon and using drugs again, when I reached out he kind of brushed me off. I thought HE at least would understand suicidal thoughts/dreams/wishes.

I want to not exist. I really, really, REALLY want to not be here. I don't want to die, I want to not exist. There is a difference. If I didnt exist then no one would be hurt by my absence. There would be no fear of heaven or hell, no one left behind, I just cease to be on this earth or in anyone's memories. I never was. Doesnt that sound beautiful? But I have existed and I've left my mark so I will stay. I wont kill myself so please dont freak out everyone. I just want to explain to SOMEONE what I am feeling. Thank for reading.

[Hidden]

Tomorrow is a new day. And it’s ok to fail. We get back up and dust ourselves off again

We took our training wheels off along time ago. We need to get off our bike crossing the tracks. This will prevent a fall.

I feel like i already don’t exist. So it’s nice to meet you one that don’t wanna exist.

I hope you have comfort here. Write how you feel if you want. Talk about it. We’re listening.

[Hidden]

Hiya👋

When you figure out how to disappear without hurting anyone’s feelings let me know I’ve got one of the golden tickets!!!!!!!

[Yesterdayhurts]

Those days are rough but just sharing your feelings has made me feel like I am not alone when I get those feelings so please continue to exist, we appreciate you and your honesty.

[Hidden]

When I was reading your comment I thought I was in my own head. I’m new to this app and community and one thing that helps is knowing I’m not alone. I hope it does the same for you and letting this out helps you and everyone else.

[Hidden]

I'm sorry you are hurting, if you want someone to vent to, you can message me and I will listen. You saying you not wanting to exist reminds me of the 2nd best Christmas movie after Die Hard, which is Its A Wonderful Life. George Bailey, wanted to never exist as well. But after his guardian angel Clarence granted his wish, he realized how precious his life is and how important others were to him. What helps me when I I get overwhelmed is going out in nature and meditating just to decompress and recharge. Sending irie vibrations your way. May you find the peace and love you deserve. One love, Rastafari