public nervousness ???

[maddiey]

so i have 4 really really good friends i love going out with them but they’re not from my school so i have 2 friend groups, one from school (people i’m friends with because i have to be) and then ones from outside of school (people who i’m friends with because i want to be) my friends from school, they’re the popular group. i was always friends with them since i moved to this town when i was 5. in fact my first friend here was the “leader”. they’re the only friends i ever had so i basically never needed to develop skills on how to develop relationships without (we’ll call him thomas) thomas’s lead. since they’re the popular group i became very competitive. you had to work really hard to be friends with thomas and his group. they’re all really good people but as a group they’re some of the most toxic people i know. thomas is the most popular kid in school for grades below us and above us therefore he holds all the power. being his friend, even being remotely close to him instantly makes you “cool” whatever that means. i’ve always been really smart, and i come from an asian family so i’ve always been pushed really hard to succeed in school. i was the brains of the group. i learned languages, read books, wrote essays, because i wanted to. and when i had to i excelled. that made me different, but in a group like that, you can’t be different, so you can only imagine how being the only minority went. the competitive nature thomas created for his friends caused me to become a huge people pleaser. i did anything to get all the attention on me. then as we got closer to high school, new people started joining the group. i felt like i was getting pushed out and that the new people didn’t like me. so it became instinct when i met someone to dislike them within a matter of minutes. i’d find the smallest thing to dislike them for but that would be my attempt to justify my actions. i realize now that it was my insecurity showing through that i had to dislike them first, before they disliked me. it was kind of a self defense mechanism. once i had my falling out with my school friends for being “too different” and standing up for myself i was basically left with nothing except my out of school friends and interests. that group is really outgoing, loud, and hilarious. but they’re like that EVERYWHERE. this week we went to the boardwalk together. they were dancing and singing in public which is something i usually would enjoy doing because i used to like the attention. but all the people looking at me i just felt like i was standing in front of all of my old friends and they were judging me. my heart started to beat faster, i got dizzy, and i felt like i wanted to cry. i told them to stop it, they thought i was joking, i would literally beg them to stop but they kept going on thinking it was a joke. i realized the feeling wasn’t unfamiliar, i’ve felt that many times before, when meeting someone new, when talking to someone i don’t know well, when out in public. i don’t know what to do about it, i feel so out of place and afraid.

[1OshunDreamer]

Maddiey I'm glad you know some of your issues and their causes. Now you just have to figure out how to deal with them. As I see it, you've developed a couple of issues that you're concerned with.

Your school friends seem to be the biggest issue. You will understand as you get older that your circle of friends will be ever changing and that is ok. If you end up with one bff forever that would be awesome. I have to ask, why are you friends with a group of people because you, "have to be"? You don't have to be friends with anyone if you don't want to. Are you sure you're friends with them are just school acquaintances? Do you really see your self standing by your side through the good and bad after high school?

[maddiey in reply to 1OshunDreamer]

when i moved to this town, i had no one. my parents wanted a fresh start, i felt like a burden to their new life. then i met thomas and he made me feel like i wasn’t an annoyance like i was important. he prioritized me and that made me feel indebted to him. i know i’m not and i know people mature as they get older, but i somewhat believe we come out of the oven fully cooked. we can add to our personality but can’t fully change the roots. i know the thomas that treated me like a friend is still in there and i feel bad for leaving him behind. so i stuck by him, but i don’t know if he will ever make a reappearance. in a small town like this one, people only know you by who you run with. i’m not known as maddie i’m known as thomas’s friend, rachel’s friends are known as that, jack’s friends are known as that, viktoria’s friends are known as that and so on. they’re called the elite 8. there are 8 popular kids and each one is as fake as the next but thomas is the top tier. it really is like a high school hierarchy. if i’m not on thomas’s good side i’m not on anyone’s and i don’t want to enter high school as the girl no one likes

[1OshunDreamer in reply to maddiey]

I understand what your saying completely. Is not being in the elite 8 really that important to you? They're actually the minority in school and usually the most disliked. People pretend to like them just so they can be popular too.

[maddiey in reply to 1OshunDreamer]

i know they just make it feel like your only way out is through them