Where do I even go from here?

[Rey_Canyon]

Four and a half years ago I entered my first serious relationship of 4 years but during the time. I didn't have intercourse with the person not did I have any real physical attraction to them. I then met (I'll call them Kim), Kim worked at a coffee shop I was a regular at and they helped me find the strength to leave that relationship and tell them about how I discovered that I wasn't straight. Shortly after this Kim and I began to become involved and alot of very important life changing things came as a result such as me finally embracing the fact that I was trans with someone for the first time as they too were trans. Afraid of the world and our families to come out, we atleast appeared straight from an outward perspective. During the time together I felt free and true to myself and for about 3 months I felt as though things were gonna be great in my life. I won't go too into it but Kim then took my consensual virginity, I put a lot of trust into them and was afraid to talk about past sexual truma with them and while I was able to discuss alot of my other issues with them for some reason I never disclosed my bipolar disorder. Now we were more of partners for the first month or so but suddenly Kim decided to just straight up date me and I met his family and he met mine. A few months later Kim wanted us to drop the title of dating claiming that they never wanted it and regretted it, already feeling betrayed and depressed from hearing this he told me that we could still be just as close as friends even shedding tears at the idea that I didn't want to be friends. Now go back to just before we became involved my best friend of 12 years had a one night stand with Kim that I heard from both parties to be agreed upon. Kim and my friend then had a little bit of a falling out as there were some trust issues between them. Back to after me and Kim dropped the title of dating and we're the close friends, he came out and told me that their experience with my friend had become traumatic for them and that they didn't like how I stood by his actions. I felt uncomfortable with the statement and I went and cut off the friendship of 12 years with great pain. About a week later, talking with Kim normally, I was out doing stuff without a ride and he gave me a ride home and talked to me like normal while I was having a panic attack. At the end of the ride I told them I was having a hard time and that I was so glad I had them and gave them one last hug. Then they started leaving all my messages on read, and after hours of panic I got one last phone call that brought up how I was a someone who only reminder them of my friend and that the way I handled talking about it was poor (which it was) but they didn't care that we had distanced from one another, then told me that being friends with me brought them no benefit even when I helped them with everything any time of day no matter what I was doing using the exact words "I'm operating at a loss with you". Before ending the phone call they told me that they were going to block me on everything and that they wouldn't acknowledge me if they ever saw me again. Now a week later here I am with absolutely nothing and no one to be open to about being trans as my family would disown me and how fearful I am of the hate against people like me. In ways I feel betrayed and used but above all I now feel extremely useless. I would do anything to just be a friend to them again and talk and get some closure, I'm so tired of feeling awful all the time, looking at everything they gave me and changed for me brings the pain on in waves. I find myself on the suicide prevention hotline every night as I'm so breathtakingly alone with no one to talk to about loosing my best friends and a large part of myself. I can't see a better tomorrow anymore and I just don't know where to turn and I'd really like an out of all of this. What do I even do now?

[EleanorRose]

Hey,

This sounds like a lot to deal with all in one go and I’m sorry this has happened to you. It feels like there are multiple issues here and maybe trying to deal with them all in one go is overwhelming and too difficult.

What’s the one thing that’s most important for you to change/improve? Maybe finding someone you can trust and be open with could be your priority.

Can you think of anyone in your life who you could talk openly with?

I think it’s great that you are reaching out to the suicide hotline and on here for help. I have been in that place of feeling so alone but there are always people to talk to, always.

Take things in little steps. You don’t have to fix everything in one go. It sounds to me like you are a strong person who has already overcome a lot and you’ll get through this difficult time too.

Stay in touch.

Eleanor