I’m so lost.

[DemureRose]

I cannot seem to shake this feeling of hopelessness I have about the future. I play out my future over and over and still I cannot imagine myself being happy. And I just don’t know why.

I have a good life. I have amazing parents. I’m going to my dream college. I have travel plans pending. I’m 18 years old with my future ahead of me! I should be happy!

But I feel like my future is just going to end up disappointing. I’m afraid that one day I’ll be waking up with a husband and kids and be living a boring life. That my life will be like every other middle aged person. But why is that a bad thing?? This idea used to appeal to me so much! I looked forward to that beautiful routine! Now I’m already disappointed thinking about it.

One thing that has really been filling my head recently is that my brain has somehow convinced me that the key to happiness is moving away from my home state. That my home state is the reason I’m unhappy. And yeah, I don’t live where I live but it’s where my family is! It’s my home.

But the other day I was with my friends and they were all talking about how they wanted to move away and never come back here. The difference between me and them is that they don’t have to give up as much as I do if they move. Two of my friends despise their parents and families, so leaving would be a blessing. My other friend is an only child and her parents already said if she moved they’d move with her.

If I move, I leave behind my parents and all of my relatives whom I love dearly. I also have to think of my parents long term. My brother just committed to a school in a different state for baseball. So by the time I’d be finishing college and preparing to move away, he’d also be moving away. I can’t do that to my parents. I can’t be a part of them not having any children nearby.

I’ve never had a desire to leave my home. I didn’t intend on staying in my hometown but I always planned on being within driving distance away.

I’m just so overwhelmed by this outlook that my future is so dim. That I’ll never feel satisfied with my life. It’s completely consuming my life so much that I cannot have a single moment where I’m not watching tv or doing something that prevents me from thinking about it. The thoughts are too painful, too grim.

I’ve spent so many nights crying because I feel like I’m just going forward in a life that’s hopeless. I hate this feeling and I want it to go away so badly. But It won’t. These thoughts won’t leave me alone!

If anyone has felt similar or has any advice for me at all, I could really use it. Please. Anything at all will be helpful.

[Hidden]

Sounds like you need to worry more about yourself and less about others and how they may OR may not react.

Do what's right and best for you.

You can be compassionate and empathetic as well! ♡

[Hidden]

Focus on the present ❤️

[DemureRose in reply to Hidden]

As simple as this comment is, it’s really something I try so hard to do. Thank you for responding this, it helps.

[Hidden in reply to DemureRose]

I’m glad I could help you out!

[Simple05]

I can relate to what you are saying so much. I have the same thoughts. I have sense of gloom when I think about what the rest my life will be like.

I feel like I am under intense pressure by some people to go down one path. When I don’t know if it’s what I want. The truth is, I don’t know what I want. What if I never figure that out? What if I never find happiness no matter what I decide to do.

Your situation may be different, however, I’ve said some of the same exact words that you just said in your post.

[DemureRose in reply to Simple05]

It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

I’ve been lucky in that my parents have always told me to follow my dreams and pursue whatever I wanted. They’ve never pressured me with anything, even to stay living close to them.

The one pressuring me is myself. My mind is split between wanting this colorful life to wanting a nice comfortable one.

I think it’s so much harder when the one you’re fighting is yourself.

[Simple05]

“My mind is spilt between wanting this colorful life to wanting a nice comfortable one”

I have never related to something more...

Could not have put it better myself.

I am also pressuring myself to a large extent. I know at the end of the day it is my life and I can make my own decisions but what do I want? What will I want in 10 years down the line when the choice is made? I’m scared of regret.

The fear of pursuing the colorful life and ending up unhappy vs the fear of taking the comfortable route and later regretting it. Which is the right choice?

[DemureRose in reply to Simple05]

That’s the big question isn’t it?

Logically I know that when I have my own children and a husband, I’ll probably be happy with my life just because I have them.

But my mind constantly worries that I won’t be satisfied and I’ll be filled with guilt because of it.

It’s more the regret I’m scared of, like you said. I’m scared that I will make a decision and it will be wrong and I’ll regret it.

I’m so glad that I’m not alone in these feelings.

[Hidden]

Hello, you wrote an interesting post. You really can't predict the future. I wouldn't agonize over it. Your brother might decide to move back near you after college, something else could happen, no one knows. Try to distract yourself if all these thoughts about the future are bringing you a lot of anxiety. Because we are in this crazy coronavirus pandemic, it's like the world has been put on hold and we all have to wait it out. Your future will unfold the way it's meant to. There's a saying- "Man plans and God laughs." I wish you well.