College

[Smazzy]

Hi guys this my newest post from my blog: sarahssurvivalkit.wordpress.com

Enjoy

*Alarm goes off* *groans….groans three more times*. Guess it’s time to get back to the grind, 3 gulps of coffee for blog number three!

RE-CAP:

Previously I had talked about the background of the start of this blog and how it all came to be. The last post involved sharing about some hardships and triumphs during senior year of high school and my gap year program, and ended with introducing this post’s topic: college.

Let’s dive right in — college was a shit show. I ended up dropping out halfway through my second semester. It took me a while to accept the truth that college isn’t for everyone, and not always the answer to success. I’m not saying don’t go to college, that you can’t be successful if you go to college (because you obviously can), and don’t follow your dreams, but to be open to the idea that you can also not go to college, follow your dreams and still be as successful. So without further ado, let me tell you a little about my experience, hopefully spring some insight and inspiration your way, and let you know that you’re not alone if you experienced a poor college experience too.

It was the summer of 2016, and my first year at college (Colby-Sawyer) was right around the corner. People were already looking for roommates. I had a couple people ask me, but I ended up lucking out and having a single. I had made a few friends beforehand via the Facebook page. They were all in a different dorm than me. It was cool for the first week and I felt content.

Yet then, my social anxiety kicked in and it all went downhill from there. Initially I had thought I had a friend group and was going to make a lot of friends, but news flash: making friends is not that easy. It’s fair to say I had a poor value: wanting to be liked and have a status rather than actually manifest and value true social connections like I do today. Social life was a huge struggle for me growing up; from the social/general anxiety, abandonment, attachment issues, and a history of abuse. As a result, I had a deep void of emptiness. Which led to my poor self worth, self love and self esteem… to the extent where it ended up being so corrupted. I would often get overly attached because I was yearning for that comfort, attention and love I often lacked. It was usually in a destructive way.

I started smoking weed and drinking alcohol constantly. The state of being fucked up was part of my daily routine. I even smoked cigarettes for part of that time (which is totally not my thing). I also sold myself too short, which often just set me up to get used in the end. I was broken, I was a mess. During the end of the first month I joined the rugby club. It was cool to be part of a sports team/club even though I wasn’t the best at it. *My anxiety was still an everyday ritual and an observed pattern. It drove lots of people away. I did befriend one of the rugby girls. She ended up throwing me under the bus and backstabbing me big time. I eventually got fed up and was totally over the feeling of misery and depression. She ended up dropping me out of nowhere after she reconnected with some of her old friends. I felt beyond used and my self worth reached to its rock bottom.

One night, I sent out this huge email to both my parents and therapist at the time. I shared with them how depressed and miserable I was, that I was barely showing up to my classes and would most likely fail out, and I confronted them about how I had tried to end my life a few weeks back. A few days later I packed everything up and was picked up by a family friend. It continued to be a rocky path after I dropped out (which I will get into through the next post); but it ended up working out for the best. One lesson in life I learned is that things always do work out in the end.

Another thing learned, is when I was able to do the initial shift of changing the poor value of being liked by everyone to having social connections I was able to make and maintain more organic and true connections. In more depth, when you switch a poor value to a stable/more balanced value, life ends up working more slowly and in your favor. Last but not least, I want to share a third lesson. If I didn’t go through the challenges and pain I went through with college, I would not have been who and where I am today.

I also probably wouldn’t have gotten the help and support I needed. I do not regret my college experience at all. Life is about taking risks, trying things, experiencing pain, rejection and failure so it can launch you into bigger and better things.

When there’s a storm it rains, and behind the clouds is the sun, and when it’s ready it will come out and cause a rainbow. It’s that rainbow that makes things all worth it in the end. So my advice to you is: if one thing isn’t going right, remember it’s getting you ready to experience and appreciate that rainbow :).

Thanks for reading!

My best wishes with love

Until next time,

S.M.