Needing encouragement

Having depression is one of the worst feelings. It's not only just feeling sad.. it's this deep, crushing feeling with negative and irrational thoughts that are just out of control. For no reason. And you never know when it will strike.

Tonight I feel like I just can't take life anymore. I'm just so sick of everything. Sick of everything going wrong and being a struggle. I never feel good on a daily basis and it's so exhausting. I don't care that it's Valentine's day. I have a great boyfriend and he's really good to me. But none of that seems to matter. I literally feel numb to everything and I have for a while. I have these irrational thoughts about my exes and how they have moved on with someone else and are happy as a clam. I feel like I was never good enough and they never cared about me or I want them to still care or something..? I don't even know how to explain it that's why I say it's so irrational. Why do I care at all if my exes have moved on with someone else? Why do I want them to not move on or be happy? Deep down I think it's because I will never be happy no matter what and it makes me really jealous.

Also, the thought of marriage or a big commitment like that scares me and I feel like I can't ever have that. As long as I've known, I have felt this way. All around me, my friends are obsessed with the idea of getting married and having kids. Even just random people I know or see, all getting married. The thought of it freaks me out. I just don't feel like I've ever been so sure about anything in my life. I'm literally always making sure there is a way out of something or never making it permanent... Like I said, my boyfriend is great. Best guy I've ever known in my life. Yet, when he always talks about marriage, it freaks me out inside.

What is wrong with me? Am I going to constantly question everything in my life forever? And always worry and just live the rest of my life in fear and probably miserable and alone because I did it to myself??

[Gigswer]

I can relate to you pumpkin. My friends and family all revolve around marriage and starting children and it’s overwhelming. I feel as if I’m in a relay race to keep up with friends my age and I compare their successes to my “still to do” objectives. It’s frustrating and leaves your body feeling burnt out and tired.

I did marry my husband but some days I feel did I do it because I felt behind that now is the time; did I do it in fear of being alone if I said no? Great guy but these questions and fears still come at any time and make me doubt our relationship and love. Arguments always brings these doubts into my mind. Makes me feel even more insecure about my other life choices or actions

I never had a lot of exes but I’m sure it’s difficult to see they have moved on with marriage and kids

Nothing is wrong with you; you are just trying to to figure out the now before rushing into the future. Maybe try openly communicating some of your fears to gauge his input on what you are going through. Those moments were some breakthroughs for me and my husband

Hope that helped but you are not alone

[Hidden in reply to Gigswer]

Thank you. I'm having such a hard time right now. When I get all upset like this, it just messes me up for while. I woke up feeling so sick with anxiety this morning. I work full time and the thought of working makes me so sick because I've been having so much panic during work these days. It's so stressful, I just want to hide in a dark hole. I just wish I could rid my brain of the thoughts of my ex moving on and being happy without me. I’m the one that broke up with him because I was unhappy .. and now here I am making myself depressed over something I know I wasn’t happy in. Makes no sense.

[Gigswer in reply to Hidden]

These feelings are a confusing roller coaster at times-it’s not a good feeling what your mind does on top of how your body feels from all the thoughts. Maybe you need to make a closure statement for yourself focusing on why you needed to break up so that each of you could rise to your own happiness and well being. Maybe a sense of fear comes in at the thought of too fast or settling with your current boyfriend. It’s a hard subject to discuss all the feelings with him but try to express the after math you are feeling and how it might affect you now. I hope you feel more positive and better as your take your time

[skidrew in reply to Gigswer]

I just ended a 23 year relationship. We were never married due to a prenup agreement not signed and a tragedy around the right time for marriage. We had a child, lived like any other married couple. Maybe if we were married when the poop hit the fan things would be different now. Yeah we’re considered common law in the eyes of the courts so the only thing we can’t get is alimony or SS when a spouse dies. Maybe there was a reason I didn’t want to marry...a red flag but 23 years is more then some folks achieve in 2 marriages so....