9 years ago I fell into a very sudden state of depression coupled with crippling anxiety and extreme OCD. It was like a switch went off in my head. I went to bed on the Friday a content, happy person with a calm, unshakable personality and woke up a new, downgraded version of myself. It was as if the body snatchers had come in the night. What followed were years of sheer anxiety-riddled hell, constant crying and a newly formed, damaging obsession with picking my skin to pieces. I sat in front of a confused psychologist for 5 months desperate for help while he tried to grapple for a reason as to why an otherwise perfectly normal girl, who was doing alright in life, was suddenly in such a state.
Eventually, I was referred to a Neurologist who diagnosed me with Temporal Lobe Epilepsy (TLE) and started a course of antidepressants (cirpralex) and anti-anxieties (arapax). This treatment was very successful in causing ±20kg weight gain and not much else. My neurologist was very disengaged - only seeing me every 6 months and putting me on what ever treatment plan the pharmaceutical companies were flogging at the time.
While I fit the bill quite nicely for (TLE) - experiencing textbook seizures - the mood component was dominating my life and it was something the Neurologist was failing to grasp. As long as I was having minimal seizures, she was happy. The fact that I was suicidal, suffering major depression and having manic swings did not seem to be of great concern. I lost my faith in my medical professionals and my treatment and felt despondent and could no longer see a future.
I no longer recognised the person I saw in the mirror. My personality had changed, my body had changed and I had lost hope. I began to self harm due to an increasing fixation with skin picking and the calm that the post “event” clean up would bring me. This temporary relief was only followed by extreme shame which compounded my growing depersonalisation. These marks are the one stark reminder that I have to carry with me today and one of my deepest regrets. My advice to anyone going through this would be to not hurt yourself this way - these things will pass, you will get through. Your body does not need to hold onto the reminder of that pain.
After a year and a half of suffering with the inadequacy of the neurologist, the new psychologist that I was seeing felt that my treatment plan was not working for me and recommended my to a psychiatrist. I was unsure at first as it is drilled into me that neurological conditions are just for neurologists. However, Dr Z has changed my life. He understood immediately how often TLE is mismanaged and recognised that I had both TLE and bipolar. While the neurologist focused on anti-depressants, Dr Z recognised that this course only further caused greater mood swings and was a definite no go for me.
I was put onto Lamictin and Topalex for my mood. By stabilising my mood, my seizures have come under better control. It is a tough line to walk as my mood also dips before a bad seizure episode. It is now a few years down the line and it is still a struggle to manage my mood. At 700mg Lamictin and 150mg Topalex, it would be fair to say that controlling my moods is a tough one. When I go into a high, I spend excessively and buy copious amounts of house plants. This has resulted in every surface, including large areas of the floor, being covered in plants.
The toughest part of my treatment was and is still understanding the dual nature of TLE and the mood disorder. It is always the constant question between myself and my doctor about which one we focus on with the dosage and meds. If we increase this, we run the risk of breakthrough seizures but if we increase that, we run the risk of greater frequency in mood swings. I’m sure there are many in my boat, and it is a rocky one to be in.
But, I know that this is a journey and with the stresses of life stressing out both my TLE and mood, I will need to continuously adapt and crack on with it.
If there is anyone else in the same boat as me, I’d love to hear about your experience.
xx
Do you have a higher power?
How do you make friends who understand?
Do you believe in you 
How do you go on when you have nothing left?
Toxic Positivity: What do you guys think about this? 
