I had a dream last night about my ex, it’s the first one I’ve had in a while although I have still thought about him every single day without fail. It’s now been over a year since I last talked to him (9th jan 2019). In my dream he was a wanted criminal, many girls who had dated him after me had been severely abused by him in this dream. I don’t know why but I kind of liked the idea of him being a criminal, I don’t even know how to explain it but I guess it was because it allowed me to feel hurt. In real life I got out of the relationship fast and I wonder whether things would have actually got as bad as I thought they were. Yet it hurt like hell, I still watch out for him when I’m driving and in the shopping centres.
For some reason I wish he was known as an abuser and girls after him had fallen for the same thing I did (even though I wouldn’t wish that upon anyone). I want to know if that’s where things would’ve led if I had stayed with him. We would’ve been in the “honeymoon phase” whilst we were dating. He definitely got worse after we broke up, I wonder if he would’ve acted like that if we continued dating.
Maybe I like the idea of him being a criminal because he is labeled bad, I have more of a right to feel how I feel, that he was more than just an asshole to me and that it was all his fault not mine, maybe it would make me feel more important because I can be assured that I am not the bad guy and it was all him.
Don’t get me wrong there are some circumstances where I realise that he was at fault but in other occasions i feel like he acted that way because of me.
Today when I woke up from the dream I felt compelled to look up crimes in the area and see if any looked like something we may have caused. Of course I found nothing but something keeps tugging at me that one day he’ll be in jail even if it’s in 20 years time.
This is quite embarrassing for me to discuss. I think I play him out to be this big devil in my head but sometimes I really feel that he is the big devil.