He’s the devil in my head

[Lulu02]

I had a dream last night about my ex, it’s the first one I’ve had in a while although I have still thought about him every single day without fail. It’s now been over a year since I last talked to him (9th jan 2019). In my dream he was a wanted criminal, many girls who had dated him after me had been severely abused by him in this dream. I don’t know why but I kind of liked the idea of him being a criminal, I don’t even know how to explain it but I guess it was because it allowed me to feel hurt. In real life I got out of the relationship fast and I wonder whether things would have actually got as bad as I thought they were. Yet it hurt like hell, I still watch out for him when I’m driving and in the shopping centres.

For some reason I wish he was known as an abuser and girls after him had fallen for the same thing I did (even though I wouldn’t wish that upon anyone). I want to know if that’s where things would’ve led if I had stayed with him. We would’ve been in the “honeymoon phase” whilst we were dating. He definitely got worse after we broke up, I wonder if he would’ve acted like that if we continued dating.

Maybe I like the idea of him being a criminal because he is labeled bad, I have more of a right to feel how I feel, that he was more than just an asshole to me and that it was all his fault not mine, maybe it would make me feel more important because I can be assured that I am not the bad guy and it was all him.

Don’t get me wrong there are some circumstances where I realise that he was at fault but in other occasions i feel like he acted that way because of me.

Today when I woke up from the dream I felt compelled to look up crimes in the area and see if any looked like something we may have caused. Of course I found nothing but something keeps tugging at me that one day he’ll be in jail even if it’s in 20 years time.

This is quite embarrassing for me to discuss. I think I play him out to be this big devil in my head but sometimes I really feel that he is the big devil.

[Hazrat]

don't trust anyone soon, judge and assess him for a long time

[NorwegianWood]

If you felt bad in the way he treated you then that is your reality even though you love or loved him. You have every right to your feelings. Breaking away before things became more abusive sounds like the best way to look after yourself. Be strong. One day at a time. One breath at a time.