mid-terms

So it's 3:05 am. I have an AP Calculus midterm tomorrow and I've been trying to study but I just get so bored and mind goes other places. So anyway I think I'm gonna fail and then I'm gonna cry. Then I have an AP Government midterm as well. But there is a class between them that doesn't have the midterm that day so I can like study in that class. What I'm going to be doing is homework for AP Government that i shouldn't have done a while ago. I've decided I'm going to cheat of my AP midterm. I know I should but I have to. I would cheat on my calculus one but my teacher already caught me cheating once this year so he watches me now so I can't.

ANYWAY this is all caused by my mental health issues

i can't concentrate on anything and i have zero motivation to do anything. I'm trying to. I make plans and i sit down to do stuff and i just don't. I end up going on my phone or watching netflix or something. I know that's my fault not my adhd or depression.

But it's like i don't care and i procrastinate because is doesn't matter to me. But then all of a sudden it does and i freak out because i don't have enough time to do what i need to do. I want to care. I do care. I don't know it's hard to explain. I care... a lot. But when it come down to doing stuff i just don't want to. Everything feels like so much energy. And like i said before i get really bored and just space out and can't do anything. So I tend to try and listen to music or watch netflix/youtube/disney + ... while I'm trying to do my homework as a way to entertain myself and still get work done. I like to think that doing that works. I mean it kinda does. but not really i need a better plan. My grandma always tells me to put it away and stuff. I know that i should, but i just end up doing literally nothing.

I don't know if i'm just being stupid and need to apply myself more and put my phone down.

ALSO when i'm at school i have no issue doing work

maybe it's the environment and that i'm in that mindset or that i around other people i don't know

***I don't know if any of this makes any sense or not... i was kinda just putting my thoughts into words. And i was just telling people to get it out there. maybe to know what i'm doing wrong idk. But mainly to give me some strength to change. So i can have something to fight for i guess. I mean i do ive got myself and education and my grandparents. But something about saying it here or places like here that really make everything feel real and urgent.***

i'm going to stop waisting my time i can't keep doing this.

****please tell me if being bored out of you mind and spaced out is normal and need to get over it or if its a thing****

another also sometimes i get random bursts of motivation to do things so i have to make the most of them. But most of the time i don't want to do anything or i feel no sense of importance even though i know it's important.

[quitter333]

Experience note - leaving everything to last moment and then not sleeping will yield MUCH worse results than doing a little every day, and having a 100% well-rested sleep before exam.

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as all things in life, this is one of many many tests, but I would urge you to carefully reevaluate your learning habits and get rid of last minute stressful learning. It will always 100% guaranteed lead to problems and malperformance, while consistent studies way before tests will lead to easiness and enjoyment of tests.

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As for motivations - well, we all would love to just sleep and eat all day, but in reality we need to train our brains and body and training is not always super exciting. That is just a thing one needs to learn to coupe with and find why it is enjoyable (e.g. feeling of victory, when you score better than others etc.)

[quitter333]

"But it's like i don't care and i procrastinate because is doesn't matter to me. "

pls .. now you got a thing you need to do on your own terms.

In worklife you will need not only do things on other people's terms, but also will constantly experience negativity from clients, bosses or bookkeepers. And then procrastination will not be an option.

[LeliaB]

dreamcatcher-enthusiast, self-discipline is a tricky skill to acquire but so are many of the skills needed for humans to survive on earth. You are lucky to have a beautiful grandmother who is able to exercise the needed level of discipline on your behalf. Life is however not that forgiving as we are our habits. Your grandmother is trying to teach you a basic yet very important life skill that will define you and probably shape your future. It doesn't matter if you are doing math problems, or baking cookies, you need to be present mind and soul in any task you have on hands. The simple reason being: that's how we enjoy living, by being present. Even when it's painful or unbearable; we have to still be present in every moment fully. It's your choice to continue in academics or to never do math again, it's your choice to wake-up every morning and to go to school. These choices are not easy, these are smart choices and it will serve you a lot in your journey to becoming a self-sufficient person.

A study hack that I learned from a wise teacher was to set a reward system, tell yourself that you will reward your discipline with catching up with your favorite tv shows when you achieve your study goal for the day or week. It creates a habit loop where your hard work and studying is then rewarded with a well-deserved break. Also, avoid studying for long hours, instead, create 90 minutes blocks with 15 minutes breaks. Always classify the material so you can identify every problem and which chapter it falls under thus the solution concept. There are many ways to succeed in life, but all the routes take effort, hard work, and discipline. You deserve all the best, so remember to take charge and responsibility for yourself and happiness.

Peace and love

[trying_my_best_]

i believe in you