With all that I have to cope with regarding my condition, many times I fall short of my own expectations when it comes to accomplishing my goals. I’m sure this is something many of us afflicted with depression deal with too.
My question is — do you feel bitter about it? Do you wonder: if only I were stripped of this illness, or never had to deal with it in the first place, the things I could accomplish? Or the rate I could accomplish them at?
For example, I’m here trying to learn that celebrating my little accomplishments (say, showering after 5 days of not doing so during a depressive episode) is healthy for me, but over there, Person A has done like 10 big things in less than 6 hours.
Yes, I know the bitterness doesn’t serve me. But sometimes it just makes me feel pathetic that I’m down to celebrating a shower when there are others out there accomplishing great things — for themselves and their loved ones — that I may never come close to.
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I have not felt any bitterness but do feel disappointed in myself. I have to remember to cut myself a break and treat myself with love and compassion. This illness is not something I "did to myself" but rather something can choose to address through therapy and meds. Luckily I'm older now (64) and not expected to achieve a lot more in life. Through my life I've achieved many goals but at this point they don't seem to matter much. I'm grateful to have a nice home, food to eat and my family. Don't forget that people you talk to tend to put their accomplishments up front and we don't know the dirty backstory. I'm sending you good karma my friend.
Thank you for your kind words. I tend to judge myself by my productivity and accomplishments, so when I’m not being the most productive or useful as I can — I get very disappointed with myself. I’m trying my best to roll with the punches and just do the best I can.
I don't feel bitter just guilty and lazy. But I have been very hard on myself since I was a child. Now I'm slowly realizing how much work it takes living with anxiety and depression. I just do the best I can. HUGS and BLESSINGS !
I feel all three I suppose! Haha. Guilty and lazy, and bitter that I’m afflicted with this condition. But yes, I knooow all 3 negative feelings only serve to damage my self worth and mindset. Yes, we just gotta do the best we can. Lots of hugs and blessings your way too!
Again would you feel bitter, lazy, and guilty if you had a physical illness? No. Instead you would be seeking treatment to recover or at least to find ways to manage your condition. This is not your fault any more than if you did.
It's these negative emotions which leads to feeling shame and reluctance to get help and can lead to 'hating' yourself and even self harm to relieve the pain and to punish yourself even more. This then creates a vicious circle and a merry go round which is difficult to break free of as they feed off each other.
Accepting this is your situation and you are doing your best to get better, baby steps, and praising yourself when you accomplish even a very small goal is the key
You will get there in the end so keep the faith and have hope x
My husband is a nurse. When I get upset with myself he is the first person to remind me this is an illness. He can't totally understand how I feel but he is very good at reminding me that living with anxiety and depression is hard but I shouldn't be ashamed.
You’re right. I’m thankful that even though I still struggle with my negative thoughts and emotions from time to time, I’ve been pretty open to accepting my condition as it is (well, as best I can, haha). I’m still proud of where I am today. Thanks again for your kind words
I'm always right!😎 Seriously though been there etc. and I too am proud of how far I have come as I never thought it was possible to have any kind of life, limited though as it has been x
I used to feel bitter when I was young but I grew up being mistreated by bitter ppl and hate it. I really dug deep into myself and thought alot about not just my own feelings but why/what would make my family act that way towards me and it actually made me feel sorry for them but it still disgusted me. I never wanted to be like them. I saw them act that way towards things and ppl other than myself... I just hated it.
For me the desire to not have a negative, cynical, bitter/ugly attitude was strong enough to keep me from being that way.
On the other hand I'm humble to a fault so I guess I'm at the other end of 2extremes. Smh
Hey same here! My relationship with my mother has always been very tense as she was very bitter and emotionally unstable during my childhood. One of the driving forces that got me to seek professional help was that I would do anything to ensure i didn’t become like her.
Most of the time, the only person on the receiving end of my bitterness is me, haha. I rarely take out my frustrations on the people around me, which could be a good or bad thing (read: repressed).
You take care too, and thank you for sharing your story!
I found that it was about adjusting my expectations. You are you not that other person that can many 100 or even 10 things in a day, where your bug achievement is just showering that day.
If I was doing exactly the same tasks as someone else I found that if made mistakes or couldn't finish the tasks I'd be supportive, but me on the other hand I'd berate myself and call myself a disappointment and failure. I was given the advise from the psychologist to think about what I would say to someone else who had only managed to do that one thing off their task list because they felt so bad that day. She told me it was all about adjusting the way I looked at myself and why did I think that it was okay to rate what others did differently.
From her lessons I have learned to show myself compassion. Also to be honest that other person you are looking at may be able to do 10 things in a day where you only manage 1, but you have no idea of what hidden struggles they are having.
It is okay to give yourself a break and not compare yourself to others who are healthy and don't suffer your problems. Who knows if they were in your position they might not handle things as well as you.
I used to help as a volunteer coach for a paralympic squad. One day I approached one of the athletes who was looking really depressed. I asked her if I could help, she confided in me that she was finding it hard because she wasn't performing as well as she had expected. Knowing her disabilities and the struggles she had just to get up in the morning I asked her to tell me honestly how she was feeling at that moment. She was in great pain with muscle spasms and hadn't slept well. I then asked that if I had approached her and said I was upset for not breaking my personal beats when I had not slept and had back pain what advise would she give me. At the end of our talk we came up with the phrase "You can only do your best given how you are feeling and coping on that day" in other words on days you don't feel at your best give yourself a break. Still have a task list but always give yourself credit for the tasks you complete.
We know that feeling bitter and jealous won't help and really just feeds into that negative part of our brain that just loves to take control.
Tell the negativity monster that you are putting it on a diet and you only want to think about the things you have achieved that day. I found I wasn't showering some days or even getting up. Changing my way if thinking in a few weeks I was getting up each day and eventually completing more and more tasks when I was able to. Now if I don't complete all my tasks I just say that is okay because I have done this number of tasks today. It is not about being lazy it us about being realistic for how you are doing that day.
This is my opinion and what worked for me with how I was and am.
Thank you for sharing! You’re absolutely right. Love what you said about putting the negativity monster on a diet, haha.
Not showering and not getting up are my unhealthy coping mechanisms too. I can stay at home for more than 2 weeks. I try to take note of when I’m copping myself up for too long and force myself to get out of the house for some fresh air and sunshine.
I recently read @mrspjsmom’s post on creating an “I did list” for the day — a list of things you did today. I found it a good idea, I hope you do too. A lot of times I make lengthy “to do” lists, then get upset and disappointed in myself when I fail to check an item off the list or fail to complete it.
The “I did” list helps me to see things in perspective: that i have done more things to be proud of than i give myself credit for today.
In her post, she says that nothing is too small for the list: it could showering, doing the dishes, doing laundry, or even just getting out of bed.
Yes she is absolutely right. I had heard various versions of this.
Listing what you are grateful for.
Listing your achievements.
Listing the good deeds you've done that day.
And so many more.
The things is to pick one option and go with that.
Following the KISS method is also good. If you don"t know KISS stands for Keep It Simple Stupid.
So your to do list that you have been creating is a great idea, but I find when my brain is in a muddle that having a long list really just feeds into my negativities. The negative voices leap on it. "No way your going to do all that", "Who are you kidding with that list" and do on. Ideas to help with the to do list .
1. Start with one or two daily tasks you want to complete. Put a realistic time as to when you would like to see them completed by. BUT, it may also help to write a reminder of that time is like an appointment reminder for you to do that task at that time if you haven't already done it. I did that and also tried a method of having 3 options on that task for the day. So for example the task of "Take a shower" I'd set an initial time of 10:00 a.m. Then a 2nd time of 1:00 p.m. then have a final note against the task reminding myself that I know I would feel.so much better for having taken a shower. This way I was not berating myself if I didn't have that task done by 10:00 a.m
2. Have a list if tasks but always have achieve by dates against them. Basically goal setting and planning.
3. I set up rewards scheme for myself. Basically like the gold star chart that some parents set up for their kids. Different coloured stars for how well you've done. Have an incentive of a treat when you've collected so many stars or points. Doesn't have to be anything big or expensive as the reward. I used to treat myself to a nice bottle of bubble bath and a good long soak in the bath. Or a bunch of carnations.
The trick is to not overwhelm yourself and always focus on the positives. Make sure the positive thinking out ways the negative each day. Get help doing it to start with cause we are always so much tougher on ourselves.
I've seen me arrange check ins with others just to say "Well how you do today" and if they had a bad day just get them focused back on the positives.
Has to all be fine honestly though.
I have heard a really sad story this week of someone who has been telling his girlfriend and family that he has been doing the positive things after having a bad time last year. Turns out he has been telling them he was doing all these things because he couldn't face telling them he was struggling. His family are really supportive and shocked that he could talk to them because they love him for who he is and want to support him.
Turns out he has this mistaken idea that cause his parents would be able to handle things he should be able to. He forgets that they've had 25 years more life experience to learn how to cope with situations.
Forcing yourself to shower for appointments (or when you deem necessary) through your pain shows how brave you are. I hope you know that. Thank you for sharing as well. I wish you well!
Hey Chaviv (or is it Leon?), really no thanks necessary. It must be difficult to live with such painful physical & mental ailments. I can’t say I understand your pain, but I can understand what it’s like to have just enough energy to do the bare minimum (i.e survive) each day.
However, I hope you also find the time and strength for activities that bring you hope and pleasure. I don’t know what you enjoy — it could be reading, sitting in a park (though I understand to get there would be difficult, but perhaps getting there and then spending some needed time there would be restorative), painting, writing in a journal, or watching tv.
You seem to be incredibly strong and determined to carry on no matter the odds — or your age (which I gleaned from your bio — so I truly wish happiness and contentment for you.
It’s an honour to meet you, Leon! Yes, I myself am doing my best to fulfill the notion that life is so much more than just surviving — we have to try our best to live.
Oh, as for your bio, it’s simply the little paragraph of words you see when you click on a user’s profile.
About classical music, are you familiar with YouTube? You can search for some classical music playlists there. You can set them to play and then perhaps sit and listen to the music for a while if it brings you some joy.
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