Seeking Duende

[shadetree]

Im so tired of being isolated and alone. My wifes gone all week with her dad in the hospital and i have no real friends. I had to stay here because we have a lot of animals to care for, nobody to do it for us. Tried finding people to penpal with but thats been a dead end and made me feel worse. Just would be nice to have somebody to talk to that didnt dissappear a few hours or weeks later. It gets so tiring living this way. Its soul crushing. I survived cancer a couple years back but i sometimes wonder why. I long to go home and be with God and away from this horrible prison.

[Hidden]

Hi. We can be like penpals. We understand. You survived for a reason. Not all do, but you know that. You have a purpose. Live for that. We love you. ❤️

[shadetree in reply to Hidden]

Im living, i find a lot of purpose in life, i have kids too, and a lot of pets, a wife that loves me. Gods love as well. Its just so hard to find friends as you get older.Isolation is hard. I have no friends outside the house. Ill be 45 this year. Its weird how fast time goes by. If you or anybody ever wants to talk feel free to message me if they have that on here. Thanks for the reply.

[Hidden in reply to shadetree]

Your welcome. I have a husband a daughter but no friends. I want that but never feel like I can relate to so called normal people. I am always here and love to have people to talk to so you can pm me anytime.

[Hidden]

This day n age so many people are like us. I have less than you. I used to be popular fun healthy fit. I have no husband now no kids no pets I’m too broke to get an apartment that will take pets & they don’t have to allow therapy dogs. I’ve been told I’m not good enough by family because I’ve had illnesses not found until they did & my body shuts down from what I’ve gone through physical & mental. No money if one shoe drops I don’t know what I’ll do. I’m stressed can’t barely eat from it I got too tired and medication killed my stomach in burn out. You’re not alone. People come & go. Attachment is suffering in Buddhism.. no kidding. Is there a community gym you can join ? Familiar faces you can get a routine after awhile build it & they will come ... dude it’s exhausting and I know. I lost nearly everyone... I have one true friend ... one. I hope you can find a way to integrate back into your community don’t look for a friend yet out there look for community and offer yourself. I think overtime they’ll come to you. People are afraid of sick people sometimes and they’re too busy stressed. Glad you found this community on line to help. It does help. We have to do both online & real steps. This is what I find helps me. I am just grateful for smiling familiar faces at coffee shops. I’m a mess and I deserve those smiles and I’m always grateful to people for them. I hope for a better life I have to try. I wish I died a lot but grateful I didn’t I’m just scared because I’m still not well and broke alone. Don’t know how this can happen to a good person who was kind to others & medical system missed multiple major things I got too darn tired fighting. I can barely walk 3 years I totally get it. Don’t let this break you .. you have a lot it’s enough till you slowly take on your community your way!! Big hug

[shadetree in reply to Hidden]

Attachment is suffering. I remember reading that i think. Its pretty good advice. Everything in this life is so temporary. Even the things we think at one point in our lives will last forever. You wake up and theyre gone. I truly am thankful for what i have, i dont NEED anything else. Its just all the isolation and inability to connect i guess that gets me. So it gets stuck in my head and i recycle those thoughts over and over and over until i cant think about anything else. My wifes at the hospital till monday i think. Just trying to get through the week. Im sorry youre dealing with all that that you mentioned too. For what its worth it sounds like you have a lot to offer. Please dont stop being kind. You shared some wisdom with me so ill share some i learned. Its a little saying. Be kind to everybody, even those who are not kind to you. Thats one of the most powerful things you can do. Ive been trying to do that but sometimes honestly i get to where i kind of hate people. I dont want to hate anybody. Thats nowhere near who i am. But after a while it makes you feel less than human. Anyway, thanks for the reply, i really appreciate it.

[Hidden in reply to shadetree]

We sound like we have the same heartbreak. I’m not kind to everyone I’m trying but I’m exhausted & I am tired of people even psychiatrist telling me how I feel. So I lash out at him. I was better when I was kind. I think it’s extreme burnout. I also have t been treated well and there’s nothing to lose if others are that mean to you or screw your over. Maybe the years it’s built up as the hurt from the abuse I’ve gone through due to illness is doing this to me. I’m exhausted. It’s good advice. Though you have enough you still have to try to have more supports I agree it’s a need. People don’t get it till they do with health it’s scary. Too bad you’re likely far away we sound like we Would get it together as friends. I’m supposed to slowly attach I don’t think I can because of my psychiatrist failing me. The very thing I needed him for he did to me. So I try my own way.

[shadetree in reply to Hidden]

Yeah i feel you on the exhaustsion. I have to fight everyday to just keep going and even harder still to not let all my hurt turn into anger and hate. Its a constant battle. Im sorry about your shrink acting that way, that sucks. Ive had some pretty nutty ones myself through the years. I had this one lady who nothing i could say was the right answer. Well she sent me to the hospital to get a full psyche eval. I go spend the whole day doing a battery of tests. Then I hadnt heard from her. Finally i call to see whats up the lunatic had dropped me because she said i didnt go to the tests lol. The lady i had seen before i stopped i really like her and she was telling me some horror stories about therapists she had known. Basically i think a lot of them are more screwed up than the patients. Alot of them get into it just for the money too and dont really care. This lady though she really seems to care. I plan to when my wife gets back with her dad from the hospital and he gets healed up im gonna go back and start seeing her again. Hey same as i told everybody so far on here. If you ever want to talk etc, feel free to message me. Happy to be friends and talk anytime. I hope your days going good. Im feeling a little better today since i found this site. So thanks for talking to me. I really do appreciate it. Thank you.