Rapidly fading away- what's to live for?

[Woebegone]

I'm federally disabled from anxiety disorder, and suffer from hopeless levels of depression currently.

I simply don't understand what I'm supposed to be looking forward to in life. Let me summarize some key points I'm facing:

I have been alone since 1997. I am now 47. I have no exposure to women my age, and have never found a non-celebrity that I find attractive. I am attracted to women about 30 and under, who are still fit and sexy, not old and saggy. Every day I am told that my attraction to younger women is "creepy". This means I will be alone forever.

Due to the poverty I've been forced into due to disability constraints (lack of livable amount of aid leads to not enough money to eat healthy or buy the gear necessary for exercise) I am now very overweight. I am 100% turned off by overweight women. I do not wish to present a double standard, so I don't try to date. I will definitely be alone forever.

Due to my anxiety disorder, I can not perform most job functions in today's conservative corporate slave labor society that demands 7 days a week, 10-24 hour days of work, or work at 2-3 jobs at once. It isn't healthy for people to work beyond 4-5 days a week, and never more than 8 hours a day. Regardless, I can't work phones, travel, do physical labor, work in an environment that risks injury, use any kind of tools, work directly with clients or people, or otherwise do tasks demanded of most careers. I can only manage work if left alone, listening to headphones, creating something on a computer. This is why I used to develop software. Problem is, the software industry requires that insane work load. I lost my entire 20s to working every waking second, 7 days a week, 10-24 hour days for 8 straight years. Due to this I missed my chance to marry and have kids, or make friends, as people predominately do in their 20s.

I can not work on my own from home, because I can not guarantee income each month, and can not sell. Even if I could create from scratch, I can't get whatever it is to people and guarantee I'll have $1,500+ a month to survive. Other people can fall back to fast food or driving jobs. I can not. I have no fall back. If I leave disability to try to work anywhere, I can not get back on disability (it took 10 years to process originally). I am only allowed to work for $80 if I want to keep my disability, and that's only an hour to an hour 1/2 of work for me. And again, there's no work environment I can function in. I have no purpose.

My nation is dying. Evil is in charge, getting away with countless crimes, and the worst in society are mocking those fighting for our very survival, while attacking others with racist and xenophobic attacks. Propaganda reigns supreme, and expertise and intellect- the only thing I have going for me as someone with a Mensan level IQ- is now frowned upon in society as a bad thing. Our future is dire, as we are being warned by every expert simultaneously humanity is going to go extinct if we do not act on climate change now, yet deniers attack the truth and science being put forth and push debunked propaganda points. Nothing we do now will matter, as humanity will be extinct in a few hundred years. Why write a book if no one will be around to read it?

The things I love are dead. Music is dead- I only listened to Prince, and we lost him in 2016. No other music moves me like his, and it's too hard to listen to his right now without getting super upset about him being gone.

TV is dead- networks cancel shows after one or two seasons, wasting the time of viewers. Bad fans scream at quality entertainment offerings, and get shows, movies and games canceled or ruined based on their ignorant and hateful attacks on these products. It's now to the point where there's no point in consuming any entertainment, as it will be ruined by people or by the studios behind it by canceling it before finishing the story. Who would buy a book that is only half finished? Yet, this is what happens every year with countless TV shows.

Games- very important to me- are being ruined by toxic gamers, making online gaming impossible due to the racism, bigotry and hate spewed on any multiplayer offering. Solo games are being phased out by companies as non-profitable, and when they do commit to single player experiences, uninformaed (often young) gamers with no knowledge of the difficulties of development attack the companies to the point of physical death threats, where certain offerings have been canceled, removing what would have been hundreds of hours of entertainment I could use to escape with from ever being developed.

I am a creative person, but can't be creative when so much evil is going on in the world, and as I said above, why create things when no one will be around to consume them? Later this century people will be busy struggling to survive the damages of climate change to the point that there will be wars and mass famine. People won't have time to read the book of fiction you wrote 50 years earlier. They'll be busy dying out.

Then the kicker: At the end of everything, we die. We only perceive reality through our own perspective. Therefore, when we die, and we enter oblivion and a state of non-existence, everything ceases to exist. So everything you ever did had and will forever have no relevance. Cure cancer? It'll only help a few before humanity goes extinct. And you'll never know anything about it. Nothing about who got cured. Nothing about the legacy of your work. You'll never be aware of anything ever again for all time and beyond.

So again, what's there to hope for? Knowing you're old, you can't become 27 again. You will be alone because of how society dictates "appropriate" dating scenarios. You can never work, never have a purpose, never have the money. Everything around me is broken, or breaking. I can never get the money to fix or replace anything. My glasses I need to see are now two years old, and everything is blurry. Nothing I can do about it. I can't buy clothes. I own no socks and about four pairs of underwear. Can't go out and do anything in public for the most part because I'm too broke and it's unsafe with all the gun violence. There's no point to anything, during or after living.

I mean, I bet life is great if you were lucky and ended up with a ton of money in order to have most of these woes go away, but even so, there is a certain amount of naivety that goes along with blocking out all of the problems that exist to be happy in your own little world even though millions are suffering and dying and the entire species is about to die out. And remember- 100% of peer-reviewed climate change scientists agree we are in a dire situation.

Good luck trying to put a happy spin on how crappy life is. Maybe not for you, but most certainly for me. And there's nothing I can do to change it, as the problems are either related to being old, or societal constructs I can not change.

[NeuronerdDoaty]

Honey start writing to newspapers and magazines. Send in bit pieces. You had me enthralled. What are you doing. Submit an article anywhere you can. You’ll find these jobs online. I once wrote for a catalogue ages ago. I’m not even saying to do this for money. You’re depriving people of your talent. Send something like this out to every newspaper editor in the world. I assume you have your own computer.

Men in their 40s look at well built women in their 20s why shouldn’t you. It’s inappropriate to salivate but that’s the epitome of beauty in our world. I don’t have a thing for Women but I still look at a lovely young lady. Gives a person hope for the future. It’s how our brains are hardwired.

Don’t waste your gift of writing. Some people don’t get a gift.

[Woebegone in reply to NeuronerdDoaty]

I appreciate that, but I don't know how to do such a thing and guarantee monthly income. If I "freelance", and have a month where my anxiety prevents me from writing hardly anything, or simply don't sell anything to get published, I can not eat or pay my bills, and everything collapses. I have no fall back. I can't just go grab a temp job, I'm unable to work in those environments. I could do the writing thing if we had a guaranteed Universal Basic Income, but sadly disability will kick you off if you earn money, trapping you on it.

Thank you very much for your compliment on my writing, though. That means alot. I used to work on writing novels, but simply can't get motivated right now.

[Sillysausage234]

There are some amazing women who are well past 30 your opinions of women are very shallow maybe that’s the problem ?

[Woebegone in reply to Sillysausage234]

That's great.

Are they fit? Not divorced? Never really been in serious relationships? I'd like to experience all of that for the first time with someone who also hasn't experienced it. The only relationship I ever got to have was in high school.

Beyond that, how do you propose I meet such women? I can't go place or do things because I'm broke and my anxiety disorder prevents doing most things. I don't do bars. Every time I've tried online dating in the past I've had no responses but 300 lb. women. And as I said, there's nothing I can do to change the fact that the things I find attractive in a women (flat stomach, for instance) aren't possible on overweight women. As I said, as a feminist I don't like to present a double standard, so I don't try to date. Thus, knowing I will be alone.

But also... if these great women are there, why aren't they already with someone? Evertime I encounter a twenty-something attractive woman (I live by a major university) they're all already with others. All of them.

[NeuronerdDoaty in reply to Woebegone]

Well I’m not 300 pounds and I’ve made some great friends online and at meetups. I’m older now and met my husband of 4 years on a site. Poor guy didn’t know what hit him. I don’t go for pretty boys. I like to be the pretty one in the relationship. Lol!

Women are at our best in our 40s. I don’t know where you live but at least keep interacting online. It’s good for you.

[Sillysausage234 in reply to Woebegone]

I’m not proposing anything just observing your views on what a woman means and think maybe That’s what you need to change.

[NeuronerdDoaty in reply to Sillysausage234]

Agreed

[Sillysausage234 in reply to NeuronerdDoaty]

I like your style about being the pretty one haha

[Hidden in reply to Sillysausage234]

I thought exactly the same

[Dutch-girl]

Are you able to receive therapy for your anxiety? I know it is very difficult, but maybe you can work through some of your issues and try to get out more. We all have to deal with hardships to make it in this world. You mention many times that you can't go out, can't work is various environments... I'm sure you have tried, but maybe you need a new approach to help you try again. Also, maybe you can try to change your negative thoughts...we have no idea where humanity will be over the next few centuries; don't worry about that and just live for today. You mention all the bad things going on in the world...maybe you can do something to start the change you would like to see in the world. Sounds cliche, but a simple act of kindness and helping others goes a long was for the giver and the receiver.

[Want2BHappy3]

You write way too much to read it all, what is federally disabled mean? Never heard of that before

[Dolphin14]

You live in the US. From what I understand you can make a certain income on disability. It doesn't have to be consistent. It just can't be over a certain amount.

So you could use your writing to have some income as someone suggested.

I have to also agree your opinion of women is pretty shallow. There is beauty on the inside of everyone regardless of how large their waist is.

You sound depressed and maybe slightly bitter?

I hope you are able to find your way to some happiness. You are correct that as an individual you won't be around too long. There has to be something you can do to make your time here a little more enjoyable.

Best of luck to you.