Hey guys, long post alert. If you’re not ready to read then this post isn’t for you. But I will say that I feel the need to post about how everything’s been lately. I haven’t posted in a while, mostly because I started a journal and it kind of helps me to manually write down or vent on paper. Any who, I am wishing this post to find you well. If you’re reading this, thank you. If you need a little inspiration, this one’s for you.
Since all of us here struggle with some type of mental illness, we all know how much it affects our everyday lives. Depression has often told me I don’t have a reason to get out of bed in the morning. Depression tells me I’m not good enough, depression says life will never get any better so why do I bother trying? Depression has convinced me on many days that I should just give up. In one of my previous posts I explained my difficulty in college, how I found myself really struggling with understanding depression. I landed a really good job after graduation, then found out I had failed a couple classes and wouldn’t be earning my degree. I went from having a really great job to no job at all. I landed right back into the classroom. I was so defeated and depressed that I didn’t even pass the next time I took these classes. So again, I wanted to just give up. Somehow I managed to put one foot in front of the other and finally I earned all A’s in these classes. I have never earned all A’s in my entire life.
I started training for a new job, I traveled for a conference, I came home to my boyfriend I was with for four years whom also took me to try on engagement rings months before; he wanted me out of the house and I needed to find somewhere else to go. I was confused, heartbroken, and for real this time - alone. I went back to my parents for the week, packing only a bag of clothes thinking maybe he needed some space to think. I came home from work that week after a 12 hour shift to my belongings boxed up sitting on my front porch. I was so drained I could barely carry the boxes inside my house. He was really done, it was over and I didn’t even know why.
It took me three months just to unpack. Boxes sat in my room stacked to the ceiling for three whole months. I tried to believe that maybe he would want me back. I questioned why I wasn’t good enough for him and I wondered if I will ever be happy. The day after Christmas my little brother left for the Army. Since I am working towards becoming a registered dietitian I was also filling out internship applications which really put me under a lot of stress. I finished all my applications and submitted everything hoping maybe I would end up getting a match. Cause something good needed to happen to me, right?
Months go by and I had sent my little brother a few letters while he was doing training for the Army. During the week I would find out if I was matched to an internship, I got a phone call. It was my little brother and I was so excited to talk to him. He and I had always been close and him being away was much harder than I ever thought it would be. He told me that he will be moving to Alaska, spending a few months training there and then this fall he will be deployed to Iraq. My heart sank. A few days later I opened up the matching portal for internships and found out I did not get matched to an internship. I blinked a few times at my computer just thinking I might wake up from a bad dream but nope, it was all real.
I remember going to work the next morning, knowing my boss would ask about if I had gotten into an internship. I walked into work, tried to avoid the subject. I didn't want to talk about it. I cried in the bathroom and on my lunch break. When I finally clocked out I get in my car and sit there a second. I turned my apple music on shuffle on the song "Look Up Child" by Lauren Daigle was the first to play. I didn't have the energy to change the song so I let it play.
The lyrics "Where are you now, when darkness seems to win? Where are you now, when the world is crumbling? I hear you say, look up child."
then more lyrics hit me as I am in my car letting this song play, "You're not threatened by the war, you're not shaken by the storm I know, you're in control. Even in our suffering, even when it cant be seen I know, you're in control."
I cried. I needed to hear those lyrics that day. I needed it with everything had been going on.... I had spent the last few years overloading myself with experiences, volunteer work, jobs, conferences, and networking only to find out the odds would not be in my favor. I just was broken up with by my boyfriend of four years. My little brother is going to Iraq. I didn't get accepted into an internship after all the hard work and sacrifices I put in over the last few years. And then two weeks go by- I spent most of my time alone, avoiding people, going on drives just so nobody can hear me cry, and even questioned my existence. One morning I woke up to two internships offering me a spot but I couldn’t take them because I could not afford to pick up and move to another state. Since my GPA and GRE scores were nothing to brag about, I wasn’t sure if any program would want me. Once again, I was convinced I am not good enough.
Depression wanted me to give up on my dreams of becoming a registered dietitian. Depression told me I would never be given the chance. Depression told me I was incapable of such growth or achievement. I had the idea in my head that someone would read my application, look at my GPA or GRE score and say “Ha, she’s funny.” And throw my application right into the trash.
Internships are quite competitive. The match rate is only 50%. Lots of people have to apply two and three times before gaining an internship. But then I woke up one morning to an email from an internship director who said they would allow me to complete my masters degree completely online and do my internship through facilities in my city, he offered me a spot in the internship and explained my application and experiences were “impressive” and described me as “inspiring”. I accepted the spot, I cried tears of joy, and I looked up to God and said, “Thank you.”
I unpacked everything I even started doing hobbies I used to enjoy again like painting and going to the gym. I stopped feeling haunted by my past relationship of my ex boyfriend who constantly told me my anti-depressants were making me fat and antagonized me every time I came home from therapy. I have realized that far better things lie ahead than anything I will leave behind.
I went through a lot of hard things within the last few months. But if my ex had never broken up with me and made me move back home with my parents, I would have never pushed myself to apply for internships right then because I had to afford bills and I didn’t think I could do it. If I hadn’t been rejected from a couple internships then offered positions at others then I would have never believed I had a single chance. If I had never found out my brother was being deployed to Iraq in the same week I wasn’t matched to an internship, I would have never known how to appreciate a good thing coming to me when it finally did. If my ex hadn’t of broken up with me, I would have never been able to confidently talk to my therapist.
I want everyone to know that depression doesn’t make you incapable, it doesn’t make you weak, it doesn’t define who you are or what you do, depression makes you strong. Depression makes you brave, it makes you courageous and it makes you fight when you don’t think you can fight any more. Depression makes you every bit of capable as someone who has never experienced it a day in their life. Depression will try to make you forget what you’re made of and yet you have tried to prove it wrong every single day. Depression wanted to show me so many things I had lost over the last few months and it will continue to affect me for the rest of my life. But I hope to always know that of all the important things I could lose in my lifetime, the most important thing I never want to lose – is myself. And that is why I keep fighting.
I have sought mental health treatment for a while now. It was and has not always been easy fighting against my own brain. So if you’re reading this and you’re struggling, whatever may be going on in your life that is trying to challenge you, know that depression is trying to defeat you. Depression wants to convince you of negatives and I hope you choose to prove them all wrong no matter how hard it may feel sometimes. Don’t ever give up.
-"Look Up"
xoxo
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