Round and round

[Snowyowl23]

Feeling crappy again. Can’t focus (as evidenced by I have edited this post 4 times now) rapidly losing motivation. Worse of all is the mood swings. I’ll go from ‘I feel ok, I can function today’ to thinking something the complete opposite, terrible horrible thoughts not based on anything real, and have a meltdown that typically happens multiple times. But the absolute worse thing is I feel like I’m torturing my spouse. He comforts me all the time, does all the work around the house I should be doing..and yet here I am a blubbering wreck who can barely function. I feel no physical desire towards him; he initiates all the affection, the hugs, when we kiss it’s him not me that starts it. (Don’t worry he respects my boundaries when I say no) I just stand there and feel nothing. I’m tired of not feeling... I just wish I were dead. Everyone would be better off without me. I’m tired of faking it. I’m not ok I’ve never been ok. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs ‘IM NOT OK IM NOT OK’

Thank you for reading... need this off my chest.

[brokenlight]

Talking about it is so important.

I’m glad you’re here ✨

[Snowyowl23 in reply to brokenlight]

Thank you <3

[Hidden]

Hi snowyowl23,

Sorry to hear you're not feeling well. I know how You Are feeling because I've had episode like that.when I feel myself becoming anxious or sliding into depression I go back into therapy and start taking meds again. In order to aid your recovery you need to have 4 things in place : a sympathetic doctor, the right meds, therapy and a safe place to talk : ie, people or friends who are non judgemental. I am glad that you have your husband to comfort you but when you're ill you will not feel the desire to be intimate with him. Have you sat down and talked truthfully how you feel and although hugging and kissing is nice you cannot respond in kind at this moment. You just need his reassuring presence and patient support.

I would advise you to go back to your doctor and get the right meds and go for CBT therapy and counselling. Another word of advice, the meds would probably take 4-8 weeks to work. If they don't agree with you then there are other meds you can try and the same goes for therapists and doctors if you don't find them responsive to your illness.

Things will get better. Good luck!

[Snowyowl23 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for your support - it means a lot. The ups and downs can be difficult to deal with and it's very comforting finding people here who understand what I am going through.

[GreyeyesXander]

Have you seen a doctor, talking about it to a professional might help

[Snowyowl23 in reply to GreyeyesXander]

I'm scheduled to meet with a counselor in my community this week actually... I have the TalkSpace app which I use regularly but it's hard when I have such sudden mood swings.... by the time my therapist in the app responds often my swing has shifted in the opposite direction. I'm hoping meeting with a person face-to-face will help me figure out a routine with medication and coping mechanisms.