Paralyzed by fear

[ILOVEJIMCARREY]

I've been suffering from anxiety and depression most of my life. The past several months have been the worst. I used to cope with the negative thinking and worrying by drinking, but that was over 2 years ago. Ever since then I've been trying to "Live life on life's terms" as they say. When I get anxious, it starts the moment I wake up and it keeps me locked down for the rest of the day. Getting out of bed seems impossible to me. My insides are screaming at me to move, but I won't. I try to go back to sleep and of course I can't. I didn't used to be this way. I met someone who I thought was absolutely perfect for me but my depressive state has all but pushed her away. It's too much for anyone, including myself. The fears and worries of inadequacy pile on top of me before I can finish a breath, a thought, a sentence. On one hand I know that the cure for all of this is to take action, but when I finally attempt to take that action, my head just comes right along with me and I'm worn out before I can do even the simplest task. I hate myself and there is very little reason to. I know people in the fellowship that have suffered great challenges and they still push onward with a smile on their face. What's wrong with me that I can't? Why won't these feelings just leave me be so I can move on with my life? I have an incredible support system and for that I am grateful. I've been on medication most of my life but I lost my health insurance so now I'm paying for a cheap prescription that I don't know is really working. I'm so paralyzed by my thinking. The crazy part is, I'm in school to receive a Master's in Mental Health Counseling!! I have a high GPA, I'm not intellectually deficient but there's definitely something wrong with my thinking. Just because I can do well on a test or a paper doesn't erase whatever is going on within me. And ever since I finished all my course work and had to start interning, I panicked that I wouldn't know what to do and I talked myself out of finishing. This is long. It's rambling. I'm just scared I can't come out of this. I have days where I feel almost normal followed by several more days of just plain fear. I can't live like this forever. I'm slacking at work, at self-care, at doing really anything responsible. I feel like I'm just constantly complaining and still I don't move. Why can't I move? I joined this group as a last resort. I can't allow myself to go back to drinking. I have tons of struggles up ahead and a lot of uncertainty. I pray a hundred times a day. If anyone knows how I'm feeling, please reach out. I would appreciate any sort of hope that can be provided. Even just to know I'm not alone. It's never been this bad before.

[mdmc]

Hey there

I know what crippling depression feels like

But

Xanax was always able to calm my anxiety

Best of luck to you

[Mumma_h]

Hi there, you sound like you're really suffering!!, I've been there before and know how awful it is . First of all , all the negative worries about yourself is the anxiety talking!!! This is not who you are!! This is the nature of depression and anxiety. It tells us we're not good that we're to blame or even deserve this. None are true!! I know what it's like to pray and pray and beg god all day long for some relief!! When it gets that bad anxiety tablets can he really useful tool. That's what they're for and dosnt have to be forever but can help kick start helping with anxiety. If anything at first it might help you to have a big peaceful sleep that your body probably so desperately needs. . If you prefer not to ; give yourself one task , maybe soon as you wake get out of bed immediately before your mind goes deeper into that bad place . Grab a cuppa or some brekky. Whatever you would like to do or think is helpful for you . If you can do just one small thing it's the start to getting better. Let us know how you're going and if there's been any change at all . Prayer for you coming your way ❤️

[Backtolife]

You are not alone. I'm right where you are at and I'm grateful that you articulated it so well. I am forcing myself to go to a SMART Recovery meeting this morning since it is free and I have no health insurance to see my regular therapist. I hope you can force yourself to get out of bed today and call someone or go to any kind of group. I don't drink or do drugs besides those prescribed so I'm just hoping that the SMART recovery meeting will help me to move forward in any way at all. I wish you the best.