I’ll just lay it all out there (2)

[CCRae13]

I posted but it disappeared but id still like some advice.

I’ve recently been very stressed and overwhelmed with where I’m at. On the one hand I know everything is ok; my bills are paid, I’m safe, my son is taken care of, I have everything I need. On the other hand I get so caught up in not being where I want to be not having things the way I want them. I over think and am so in my head all the time, I have terrible self talk, negative body image, and just a generally negative perspective a good bit of the time.

I’m 29, I have a 9 year old, I am working to get into a nursing program, and I work full time. I’ve always been an “emotional” or sensitive person but after having my son I began to struggle with depression. It was terrible back then but I’ve made huge strides and over the years am in a much better place. But I still have more trouble than I’d like. I’m constantly worrying about where I “should” be or what I “should” be doing, like it’s never enough.

I currently work at a mental health facility on a Baker act unit as a tech which is basically a hall monitor/ nursing assistant/ security guard. Sometimes it’s not so bad but quite often patients are verbally and even physically assaultive. That’s one thing but administration has us understaffed and underpaid and doesn’t seem to care about our safety. The atmosphere among employees is so negative and everyone talks badly about everyone. I want out but haven’t found anything yet and am often too tired to try or think I’m not qualified and won’t find anything.

I also moved in with my ex husband five months ago because of financial reasons and we could help with our son. He’s a good guy and we get along well enough. But it’s not my own place and he annoys me and doesn’t always value the same things I do when it comes to raising our son. I feel like I want so badly to move out to be on my own again but that it would put me right back where o was financially. Sometimes I just don’t care I want to be on my own I want the relationship that I had with my son that I feel has faded. It feels like we are just three distant roommates most of the time. I mostly stay in my room and often feel trapped and stuck and impatient. I don’t make much and it will take a while to pay off the things I want and save money to move.

On top of that after almost 3 years being a happy non smoker the last two weeks I have picked it up again. Makes me feel worse about myself and my progress.

I’m not sure what I expect but figured I’d put it all out there.

[DistressedPoe]

Aww I understand how you feel. The feeling of knowing you're good but still feeling like it's not enough. It's tough. But hey, listen here. You're doing great. You're working hard. You KNOW you're fine. Just...hang in there. It'll get better soon.

Try positive therapy. Tell yourself what you're doing right rather than what's wrong. Ignore the thoughts that say "but you could do better". Everyone is different and do things differently. Even if you feel like you're not enough bcs maybe people do things differently, it's not true. You are doing the best YOU can. Be proud of yourself. Be happy. It's hard but hey, baby steps.

In the mean time, try and look for a job. Try and approach your son and fix that bond. Think of ways to make yourself so busy you don't worry about anything. Try and talk things out with your ex. Tell him how you feel. Try and come to a compromise. It's hard to do but trust me, it can work out slowly. Good luck !!

[Hidden]

hi..loved reading your post..my first and only thought that came to my head was to say, health above all...