Memory, the weight under which I crumble.

[Skydreamer42]

Who could possibly understand a young gay man like me? Often neglected, uncourageous, meek, damaged. I had a panic attack tonight remembering someone I love who I feel abandoned me. I feel abandoned ... I feel angry, devastated, dangerous to myself. I hide away all remotely sharp objects so I don't feel tempted to self harm in my passion, because I am tempted toward harm and worse. I hide away from people because I don't want them to see this side of me, the abused side who wants to abuse in turn, the pained and dangerous. I restrict myself greatly in every moment so that it is not seen that I am in pain, so that it is not seen what I can devolve into when I am afraid and sad and broken. I am afraid to be seen for what I am, the broken me that wants to be cared for, not abandoned, tolerated and accepted and loved. I want engagement, not the neglect that reflects years and years of memory, under which I crack and crumble, and tire, and lose my breath.

[ksquig]

It sounds like you are in a lot of pain. Have you considered talking to a therapist? Keeping all that pain inside can be harmful. I’ve used EMDR therapy to work through some traumas from my past and it was very successful. We are all here to support you!

[SirGrits]

Hey Sky I'm with ksquig. A therapist is a good idea. Welcome aboard. Prayers bro.

[Krn210]

What you are is beautiful. You are more than broken. You are loveable. You are more than pain and brokenness. Lastly you are more than your past. Lots of love and hugs to you.

[Skydreamer42 in reply to Krn210]

Thank you Krn. That means something.

[Krn210 in reply to Skydreamer42]

Remember there are people out here that want to love you and will!