Another Bad Day

[written]

I really tried to be okay today. I know what sets me off now and it’s definitely thinking about my future.

So I try not to think about it at all.

Eventually I do though and I feel like I’ve wasted time by not thinking about it, by not trying to plan for it. Then come the thoughts of doom and hopelessness. The racing heart. The unstoppable tears.

I’m so convinced I’m going to lose my job and my life will fall into disrepair. I actually WANT to quit but all I can see happening afterwards is a plunge back into nothing.

I spent two years unemployed. Depressed. I dread going into job interviews and having no way of explaining that.

I’ve wasted so much of my life and I can’t waste anymore but it feels impossible. I see five minutes go by and cant believe I wasted all that time crying. I don’t know what to look forward to. I don’t know why I’m crying over wasted time. It’s not like I have something to do.

My psychologist said she thinks I’m lonely. I honestly don’t know. I just hate this. I wish I didn’t think this way. I wish I could be like everyone else and just live life.

Able to hope and dream for something. Anything.

[rainydays04]

Hi, I’m so sorry you’re struggling right now. I feel the exact same as you- the future is such a scary topic but one that you can’t avoid because it is inevitable. It makes me anxious just typing this!

I hope your job situation works out. I am unemployed right now (though I’m a student as well) but the lack of structure a job would bring to my life is tough. Job interviews are very very hard- is there not one thing you can name that is the worse part of it for you? For me it’s the questions, I’m not a good on-the-spot thinker!

I cry a lot too and feel it’s a waste of time. Why can’t I enjoy the good things? I really feel your pain with that because I find it hard to hope and dream about my future. Are your sessions with a psychologist helping you? I’ve just started seeing one and I don’t know if it has helped yet but I feels like a brave step forward in trying. I hope it bring you some comfort.

I also hope things improve for you. If you ever need to talk I’m here. Sending love your way.

[written]

Thanks rainydays.

I’m a terrible on the spot thinker too. 😕 In every interview I’ve done they either ridicule me to my face (for the missing two years, living with my mother, or giving a stupid answer) or they say they’ll let me know. But I can see the answer in the way they turn without looking at me.

I just had my first ever therapy session this past weekend. It went okay. It felt good to have someone to cry to who didn’t become annoyed. I wasn’t sure exactly how to say what bothers me because I didn’t know how to put it in words. She recommended journaling. I’m a little paranoid about doing that though. I found an app called Youper that I’m really liking though. I have full conversations with the thing 😆. And it keeps track of what I say so I’m hoping to use that in my next session and hopefully she can help me figure out how to deal with this.

Thanks so much for your encouragement. It means a lot.