Being connected: Having connection

[terriltwin2]

I have a couple of questions? Why is it that people don't feel connected to others? Why is having a connection to anything so hard? Is it trust issues? Is it the failure of rejection? Is it because a connection has hurt you in the past so deeply that it is fear? Just curious on your thoughts.

[ksquig]

I have a lot of trouble making friends. Really, I have trouble maintaining friends. I don’t understand the norms for when and how you stay connected with people. Like, how often should I text my friend? When is it okay to ask a friend to hangout? I think there are few roots to my problem.

1. Growing up my parents never had a single friend over, ever. So I never saw them have friends.

2. I grew up is a rather abusive/neglectful home, which caused me to be super, super independent and never rely on anyone. Friends tend to rely on friends but I never want to impose on anyone, especially when I can just do it myself (in reality I really can’t do it all and I do need to rely on others).

3. I am really shy and introverted. Therefore, social engagements are pretty wearing for me. I need a lot of alone time, which again doesn’t help me to maintain relationships.

As a point of conclusion, I get worried about being lonely a lot. And, if I ever do need help I feel completely paralyzed because I don’t know how to reach out to people or what to say to them.

[terriltwin2 in reply to ksquig]

I know how you feel, I do not like asking people for help. However, in reality, people love helping others. It gives them a sense of purpose and feeling needed. I found out a friend of mine was not asking for help, and in return that hurt my feelings that she would not confide in me and ask me for help. So others need to feel needed as well. I know this is hard to break because we are prideful people and it makes us feel less independent and it can make us feel inadequate. However, when we see that others need to feel needed it changes our perspective. Prayers for you.

[ksquig in reply to terriltwin2]

That is such a good point, but I never really thought of it that way. I love helping others (and I do help to the extent possible), but I’ve never thought of others being hurt by me not asking for help. So true! Such great insight!

[Hidden]

Think the reason must be different for each person, I feel awkward when out, when I am with people I feel nervous so can not relax and relate that well my voice quivers when I am afraid and feel people can tell I am afraid so can not connect that well it takes me to long to relax and get to know people but put off way before that and often do not want to go back again and keep trying, others may have totally different reasons than me.

[terriltwin2 in reply to Hidden]

You are right. It's different for everyone. Social anxiety can be the worse. I have a friend who would rather be alone than to face the anxiety he faces when in public. However, I spoke with him about when going around people, don't go in with the expectation of failing or people looking down on you. That is a root of social anxiety. We go in and expect the worse and expect people to look at us funny or think the worse of us. We all need to know that we are worthy of friends, and connectedness, that one thing that happened to us in the past that made us feel embarrassed or inadequate is in the past and doesn't make us who we are today. The emotional pain that it caused us so many years ago can be forgotten and we can go around people at a moment when we can find pleasure in just being ourselves. I have found that just going around others, being myself, Not worrying about what people are going to think, or if they are going to find something wrong with us is a much more pleasing time. Thinking of you. You are not alone. Many thousands of people feel the way you do.

[Hidden]

For me it's because I can't tell anyone the full extent of my feelings, not even my husband. It's too much and no o e will get it and it will make them worry. Also with friends, they don't relate and don't want to hear it so I just don't have friends. It's sad.

[terriltwin2]

Have you spoke to a counselor? or a professional therapist? It is not good to hold things in. I am encouraged that you have reached out and shared who you are. Who you are is worthy of releasing feelings and being happy. I am going to leave a number. It is a free call and fee of charge and there is a counselor on the other end and they can listen to you, and give you quite a few resources. Thinking of you. 1-855-382-5433.