The man who I want to be VS the man I am now ...

[ICUI4CU]

I grew up believing everything you put your mind to, you can achieve .I have always had that mindset and it helped me tremendously. But along the way either from misguided influence or my never ending thoughts .. I created a personality that cannot be seen or heard but he is just there.. Day in day out I create a world around this personality. Want to know who he is .. Well he is me just a lot more better version of me .. At least that's what it looks like but this personality is only in my head. And each day I spend much time building and giving him life and attention because everything goes well for him ..he has no flaws has lots of friends .. Has a great deal of success and let's not forget how incredibly handsome he is .. Damn I am doing it again . he is just in my head.. A world in my head . but I gotten to love that world that I do not what to leave . music triggers it , thoughts triggers it even the sight of a nice car going down the street triggers it .. I stay up late at night pacing round the room .living in that world. Where there's no problem , where with little effort I get everything .. But here is the hard part I love myself so so much I love the real me that lives in this God forsaken world .. Come on in the real world I am doing things people my age don't do .. Pushing myself too hard and making progress but compared to the man I created in my head it feels like I don't do enough and gradually I lost myself in it. And it's tearing me apart I have tried talking to a friend that I know loves me . she tells me to live more in the moment and enjoy life day by day but how can I ?? How can I? The man I created is on a pause ready to be played whenever I think of something good in life .. And now I don't even love myself ..well I don't even know if I love myself .. It's hard it really is .. I am too young for this. Typing on a blog that I know nothing about . in desperate need to talk to some one but no one understands. No one truly understand me and I am faced with an option to surrender myself back to that man I created and enjoy what seems to be a perfect life in my head well it seems to be the only thing that makes me happy at least till I get tired of pacing and thinking .. I want out .. I want to go back to how it was ..me....I want out of this never ending loop .. Everyday is like a déjà vu ..wake up light a cigarette ..play good music (which triggers it ) Pace around get tired of thinking too much..light more cigarettes .eat once and viola I am back in that world till I am worn out and go to bed to wake up again and repeat that same ridiculous routine . but how can I stop it .. How can I leave that happiness..

Well at least i did somethibg new today. I didnt even know I could write . it's my first time .

I want out of this world .. I want to go to that world I created and enjoy a little but of happiness . I use to read about people killing themselves or this and that . and it's wrong ( no one deserves that) I don't have that thoughts no I don't . but I fear that if this drags on . one day this me. The real me will get tired of everything and want to stay in that world for good.

I guess I am just crazy .. But to be honest . I was more happier before all of this started and as started to succeed for a little bit I can't that world and now it just feels like I am carrying a big world in a mind. And its heavy .. I don't want this for myself . I want out so bad ..so so so so bad

[Hidden]

Your positive attitude as you grew up has helped you. The degree of success can be interpreted at different levels. The first success is to find a job you like and be independent. The more important is to have some friends and family who you can

link up with and keep them in your life. If you are not as happy in your job as you thought you would be, then may be you could do another course to help you find yourself.

Social media networks are all image and success and people talking about their lives.

If you see all these people and contacts on face book or on other social networks living it up, living the high life, then your expectations of matching these super people might be dashed - so your identity is now blurred. It seems as if you now are in a racing thought syndrome, which is now being controlled by your alter ego which is the desired image rather than the real you who in reality has succeeded has achieved goals, and has the opportunity to learn new skills and do different things. Do you like visiting art galleries and museums? Do you like walking through the park? Do you like reading? What happens if you don't turn on the music on? Can you do some chores in your home, write a list of shopping, and order it or fetch it ? Sticking to the down to earth daily routines of living might help you break your current repetitive thoughts. Are you good at remembering peoples birthdays? Do you write or send cards to elderly relatives or keep in touch

with people who still know and love you. Thinking outwards, rather than introspectively might help - but as you know if you need more help you may need counselling, and other specialist help such as cognitive behaviour therapy from a psychology or from psychiatrist.

[AZ1970]

I commend you for reaching out. It sounds like your authentic self is trying to be set free. It sounds like you are a musician. I was married to one for 20 years. I recall thinking that he had to personas. The musician persona was very different from who he really was. He was confident, funny and entertaining. He unfortunately got sucked into that persona and was less and less available for me and our children. I had to make the choice to let him go to follow his dreams and to protect my children from the addictions that thrived in that persona as well.

Do you have a therapist? Perhaps one could help you sort some of this out. You are not crazy. You are going through what I have had to. I am relearning who I am. I like who I am becoming.

Keep posting here. We are here for you.

[ICUI4CU in reply to AZ1970]

Thank you .. What happened to him ...would really like to know more and get more details from you would that be possible??