What can I do about saying NO and making healthy relationships?

[Hope_319]

I am having a difficult time making healthy relationships and saying NO to the people in my life who are toxic. What should I do?

[Sillysausage234]

Hi what works for me is always start by saying...I don’t mean this in a bad way but ..f**k off..or whatever applies at the time .

[Hope_319 in reply to Sillysausage234]

I am able to say NO to certain people but then with other people I cave in.

[Sillysausage234 in reply to Hope_319]

Work on being more assertive, put yourself first, some people exploit you if they see an opportunity to 🌤

[Hope_319]

Yeah. I have a hard time excepting myself because I have such low self esteem Ned I’m always worrying and caring about others then myself. I’m seeming to always hang with the toxic people. The ones that got me into using and that destroyed me but now that I’m clean and sober and trying to stay that way I’m starting to find myself gearing back towards those people because I don’t want to hurt them by saying NO even though I know that NO is appropriate in these types of situations.

[Sillysausage234 in reply to Hope_319]

I think we can all relate to that,you explain it well,the low self esteem.you need to avoid these toxic people or not so much toxic but if they are still using they are unwell and you need to keep focused on making sure you look after you. try the don’t mean to sound mean but ...no.. approach it works without sounding offensive but definitely avoid anyone who you think steamrollers over you

[Hope_319 in reply to Sillysausage234]

Yeah. I just always seem to pick the winners as I say and other people say to me. I already deal with other stuff and the added stress of having to make sure I fit in with the crew makes it all the more difficult

[Sillysausage234 in reply to Hope_319]

P.s ✌🏼Well done getting clean and just work on being selfish now.surround yourself with positive people.

[fauxartist in reply to Hope_319]

why are you any less important than other people you think need rescuing.....it's amazing how some of us are people pleaser's to the point of forgetting to take care of ourselves. People will use you if you allow yourself to be used. People will also abuse you if you let them. I would get into some group work that helps you build your self esteem. So what if everyone doesn't like you because you say no....then they are probably not worth your effort in the first place. Healthy relationships go both ways, and you get what you give. No one deserves to be a doormat...so don't be one......what you deserve is to be truly happy with friends that are real friends....there are emotional vampires out there that will suck you dry of everything you have if you let them....they are like heat seeking missiles to people they see as people pleaser's.....they will spot you in a crowd and make a bee line right towards you..... and butter you up for the kill.... so.... turn around and walk away. Get used to 'Not' being there for anyone and everyone.... they know your needing attention so they give you what you want so they can drain you dry....don't do it....say no.

[Hope_319 in reply to fauxartist]

Exactly. I am a people pleaser. All I ever want is for people to be happy and I don’t care about how I’m feeling. I always feel alone

[fauxartist in reply to Hope_319]

it's never too late or any better time than right now to stop, and think about what you want, what you want to do....and how to do it. It's amazing how other people will find what they want without your help.....we are just a stepping stone....and if you don't want to be for toxic people in your life.... than don't. The world will keep turning in their universe and they will move on to someone else to do their bidding.

[dore13]

This is a tuff one, because once you think you are past all the drama, you can fall back with someone who is just as bad for you. Maybe it is not just being able to say No to a toxic person, it is also about the people we surround ourselves with. It also has to do with your own self esteem. I think you have to look at this as a multifaceted question. There is not only one thing to change, it is multiple things. I admit I am not who I use to be when I was younger, I got harder, maybe a little more distant, but through my life experiences I have learned to say no or get trampled! It is also something you might want to to talk to a therapist about, because it is not easy. I wish you luck.

[Hope_319 in reply to dore13]

Thanks.

I’m not the person I am now growing up.

[thealonemom]

You are so much stronger than you realize. You overcame one of the most difficult things to beat. ADDICTION!!!! So for that my dear i give you a standing ovation. Everyone here is right. You are #1. No one else. The reason for this is if you're not good then you are unable to be there for others. Change us very hard. We as humans unfortunately fall back into whats familiar because after all we are comfortable when we are familiar. Now you know as i do that to be able to keep the win of your battle requires that you not associate with those in your past that participated in this same activity. There are times we just have to say no. So you say you cant do that. I say then look at what you already did. That is so much harder than telling those that are not goid for us no. YOU ARE # 1!!!!

[Hidden]

Hi Hope, I'm a nurse and a foster mom. You sound like you've been through an enormous amount of trauma. I hope you're very proud of yourself for everything you've survived. You must be very strong and resilient. Glad you're becoming a nurse. It's a great profession. As you get older you'll get better at setting limits without apology or excuse. Just keep it very simple, "Sorry, I can't." Hang in there, girl!