Self harm without emotional issues - Anxiety and Depre...

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Self harm without emotional issues

OliviaGarden
OliviaGarden

So I learned what self-harm was when I was quite young and watching TV with my mom. I thought it was quite odd, to enjoy pain, but I shrugged it off and kept the word "cutter" in my personal dictionary. When I was a bit older, for no reason in particular, I was wondering what it would feel like. I had a sewing needle attached to an eraser, and I slit my wrists. I realized that I couldn't just do this, however. People would question, they would ask "You want to kill yourself?" "You're depressed?'' but this isn't the case. So I stopped, knowing the excuse "I like to watch myself bleed" or "Idk, I like the feeling" as an appropriate answer, even if I believed them true. I've been able to hide this for about 3 years and counting, only hurting myself in very small portions. 2 small, but deep cuts on the back of my shin, multiple not so deep cuts on the palm of my hand. The only time it's gotten out of hand is when I told my friend, I hadn't done it for a while at that time. After getting off a call with her, I had the overwhelming urge to cut something. With a lack of control, I'm still ashamed of to this day, I completely butchered my right thigh, and I really regret this. This was a year ago, and you can still the remnants of my mistake-filled night if you look closely. Now, back to the main point, despite being a socially awkward fuck with only a few friends, I like my life. I'd never considered ending it, I have wonderful parents, wonderful friends, and I have a lot in my life to be appreciative of. I have big plans in the future too, and despite my occasional to often social struggles, I have it pretty good. The only reason I harm myself is that I like the act of it, I like the blood, and I like the scars that they leave. (Typing this out truthfully makes me realize how insane I sound). I'm under the impression I'm just a masochist with a hobby that most likely isn't very acceptable in any terms. Why am I like this? How could I explain it?

TL;DR: I have a good life, and I'm sure I don't have mental issues (aside from apparent masochism), I self-harm because It feels good. Why am I like this? How could I explain it?

2 Replies
oldestnewest

No judgement here but working with a counselor you can find out. Are you an adult?

Does it spill over into other parts of your social life? These questions and more can be explored for clarity.

(I'm not an adult) No, I wouldn't say it spills over into my social life, maybe I can't wear that new bathing suit someone got me or something like that, but no, not particurally

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