Self harm without emotional issues

[OliviaGarden]

So I learned what self-harm was when I was quite young and watching TV with my mom. I thought it was quite odd, to enjoy pain, but I shrugged it off and kept the word "cutter" in my personal dictionary. When I was a bit older, for no reason in particular, I was wondering what it would feel like. I had a sewing needle attached to an eraser, and I slit my wrists. I realized that I couldn't just do this, however. People would question, they would ask "You want to kill yourself?" "You're depressed?'' but this isn't the case. So I stopped, knowing the excuse "I like to watch myself bleed" or "Idk, I like the feeling" as an appropriate answer, even if I believed them true. I've been able to hide this for about 3 years and counting, only hurting myself in very small portions. 2 small, but deep cuts on the back of my shin, multiple not so deep cuts on the palm of my hand. The only time it's gotten out of hand is when I told my friend, I hadn't done it for a while at that time. After getting off a call with her, I had the overwhelming urge to cut something. With a lack of control, I'm still ashamed of to this day, I completely butchered my right thigh, and I really regret this. This was a year ago, and you can still the remnants of my mistake-filled night if you look closely. Now, back to the main point, despite being a socially awkward fuck with only a few friends, I like my life. I'd never considered ending it, I have wonderful parents, wonderful friends, and I have a lot in my life to be appreciative of. I have big plans in the future too, and despite my occasional to often social struggles, I have it pretty good. The only reason I harm myself is that I like the act of it, I like the blood, and I like the scars that they leave. (Typing this out truthfully makes me realize how insane I sound). I'm under the impression I'm just a masochist with a hobby that most likely isn't very acceptable in any terms. Why am I like this? How could I explain it?

TL;DR: I have a good life, and I'm sure I don't have mental issues (aside from apparent masochism), I self-harm because It feels good. Why am I like this? How could I explain it?

[RiderontheStorm]

No judgement here but working with a counselor you can find out. Are you an adult?

Does it spill over into other parts of your social life? These questions and more can be explored for clarity.

[OliviaGarden in reply to RiderontheStorm]

(I'm not an adult) No, I wouldn't say it spills over into my social life, maybe I can't wear that new bathing suit someone got me or something like that, but no, not particurally