Last night

[TheScrewedUpSide]

Last night I couldn't sleep. I felt flu like sick, but sometimes I wonder if it just physiology parts of depression or anxiety. I went to the couch so I would not disturb my husband. While I layed awake in the couch I started planning. Planning how I could kill myself today. I have had these thoughts before but ultimately I do not want my husband to be the one to find me. So I thought I could drive to a nearby lake that we fish at, take a handful of Xanax and once I'm outside of myself, shoot myself.

My other thought was run away. Go get everything out of my savings and just disappear. No phone, no telling anyone, just drive and end up somewhere to get a break from my life. Nice little vacation rental by owner somewhere. But I kept coming back to, would this even help? My job takes everything I have and I couldn't even get off the couch today because I was up all night planning and daydreaming. Is my job worth it? I help people, people in trouble with the law, people struggling with addiction, and people battling the very same thing I am yet I put on this fake persona at work as if "things are good with me". It's sickening that I can help someone else but here I am unable to help myself. I have nothing to feel depressed about....that's why it is so hard to explain to anyone and why I don't want to talk about this screwed up side of me. I have a God send of a husband, a family other people would kill for, a nice house with nice things, no abuse or overly traumatic events in my life so that leaves me with Why? Why do I have this darkness? I believe in God, but why is he putting this in my path? Am I meant to die Young, is that his plan for me?

[Hidden]

Anxiety/depression is not geographic or financial. It affects those from terrible backgrounds and those who seem to have everything going for them. It is a war in our own minds with our own thoughts and fears.

When I become overwhelmed and reach my breaking point, I also resort to suicudal thoughts. It is a coping mechanism that does bring a sort of relief. But I know that I would never leave my family...my son with the guilt that they weren't enough. The thoughts are common to those who deal with anxiety/depression.

Being able to function at work...in public while suffering in private is called hidden depression. I did this for most of my adult life before I ran across a newsfeed explaining this behavior. I also know how tiring...how exhausting the public face is to maintain.

You are not alone and you are not the only one.

[kenster1]

hi you sound like a great person just stuck in a rut.helping people is a great gift to have ive done the same as you but when we are the ones needing help its always had to figure out the right course of action to take.all the thoughts you have I experience a lot but somehow I find a way of getting through them.have you spoken to your gp about your feelings its always better to get out your feelings in the open.

[TheScrewedUpSide in reply to kenster1]

I have seen the same provider for medication for about 3 years now with little spirts of progress and then regression. I went to a new highly recommend psychiatrist about 2 weeks ago as my husband and mom felt I should get a fresh set of eyes on my "case". What he had to say made sense, I have been on so many different meds over the years that something should have worked by now. I'm a perfectionist and people pleaser since childhood and have reached a breaking point. He said he would call me with a therapist to do something called psychodynamic therapy, haven't heard anything from him. I know he is a highly pursued and I'm sure immensly busy so I get it.

[Imnotalone]

I'm so sorry you're struggling with this. You are a Godsend yourself allowing yourself to be there for so many facing their own struggles. You are not alone. God is amazing and gracious and I do not for one minute think He has a plan for you to die young. He has given you an insight into what those you help feel and need. I can't help but wonder if you took off your fake persona at your work just how many more lives could be transformed including your own? I would stay on the psychiatrist for that referral he said he would get you. Regardless of how busy he is he should be able to take a few minutes and get that information to you. Or if you want to try some other options, you may also want to look through this list of referrals (bit.ly/2xrHObw). I've used some of them as a resource myself and as recently as a couple of weeks ago for a referral for my 14 yr old nephew who lives with us who was "battling demons" in the middle of the night. In the meantime, we are all here for you!