Which one to choose? My phd or my husband?

[piramses]

My life is like a roller coaster: always upside down, fast, sharp turns and sometimes straight but mostly upside down.

It will be a little bit long but let me write. In bachelor i graduated as high honour (turkey) then continued master in germany, then to turkey back after master. In meantime, during bachelor i developed severe anorexia but denied getting helped and went for master. Because i could not find a job, i registered to phd (fully founded). My thesis proposal was rejected, what a nightmare, i changed to another topic with new supervisor. He was a great professor, really helping a lot but i could not collect meaningful data for a phd. During this time, my eating disorder got extreme (i started losing my teeth due to vomiting, blumia). Anyway, i could not progress with the second supervisor and changed to third one. Things did not go well and i need to leave.

After leaving, i married with the man of my life. He is german, living in istanbul for a couple of years. our biggest common point was germany. I always regretted coming back from germany, although my life in istanbul is really good. Anyway, when we got married, we decided to move to germany, and my father was totally against it. Despite all the things, we moved to berlin. Lack of my parents support, not having a job(both of us unemployed) and taking money from government drove me crazy. We had severe fights, i was emotinally so low, i was ready and started a fight each time. I felt i was in hell and left berlin. (During the fights a xouple of times he hit me on the cheek). And moved to my parents home., told about his hitting (how stupid i am) After leaving him, i realised leaving him was a very very bad decision and i started regretting. I told my parents that i want to go back, my father threatened me "i will never accept you as my daughter and i will never talk to you anymore" He forced me to divorce, He was so angry with my husband just because i told about the hitting. I cried a lot, whenever i tols i want to go to my husband, both my parents threatened me. I was crying continuously and saying i am regretting to quit him. I was taken to a consultant where she tried to persuade me that i do not love him but it was just an obsession. However i regretted each time. Court has started, and he also could not contact while my father take precausitions from police, if he ever write e mail or contact with me, he would end up in jail. I was going more crazy than ever? What was happening??? Someone else was controlling my life and i was continuously regretted.

In the meanwhile, again i could not find a job, and my consultant told me to continue my phd in another university. And i was accepted to my bachelor uni after 14 years!! I was extremely happy and told everyone i will never regret to leave my husband again. However, 1 day after this success, i started all over again, crying crying crying. After 6 months, (i was about to lose my visa from leaving germany), i could not stop myself and wrote him i do really can not forget him (despite court would take place in 1 month and i could not imagine i would say the jury i want to divorce. I did not want to divorce, i could not resist my fathers threats).

To my surprise, my husband was so happy for my call, he told he was waiting me for this time. He was regretting also for his behaviours and went to theraphy for threatment. We decided to cancel court . And i was so so happy, with all my power, i told my parents we are contuinuing our marriage despite everything. They were so angry, they throw me out from home and told i was not their daughter anymore. I told my husband, i started a new phd and told him to come to istannbul (we have our own flat in istanbul) but he was right to say he told me years ago that he will live in germany, not want to stay in germany. So i moved to germany

We are do happy to be together again. We learnt lots of things, our guilts faults etc. Eveything is ok with my marriage after such a long time.

By the time, my regret was both leaving my husband, and leaving germany. I was so happy now. Additionally, 2 weeks later my leaving parents, i texted them and they decided to accept me again, and support me in all circumstances!!!

And now....because i am in germany, i need to leave my phd again....i wanted to do it so badly, however how can i continue when i am in istanbul and he is in berlin? Duration is 5+ years. I will again lose my husband and i will lose my residence permit .

However, i started regretting for my phd. What if i continue? I terribly want this dr title. But then i lose my husband. And it is a probability that i will not able to finish phd again and lose both phd and husband and germany

I am stuck! While the university that i was accepted is one of the best uni in turkey and i was accepted 14 years after graduation, just because my professors remembered my high honour degree.

And when i was leaving for germany, a prof told me"hey, your first phd was not good, and you got a second chance now. Chances only come twice. "

If i leave for turkey for phd, i now my marriage will not continue and i will regret again and again. If i stay i do not know if i regret extremely and ruin all my life again as i regretted for my husband in istanbul.

So i am stuck....

[jennicole31]

Hello friend, I am happy that you are with your husband. It's unfortunate that your parents have treated you that way, but your husband comes first. It's not okay that he hit you, but it's good that you have forgiven him and he has changed. I am happy for you to have the opportunity to get your PhD. But, your husband comes first. A title is not as important as your husband. Is it possible for you to attend that same uni online or perhaps another uni online? That way you'll have your husband and the title. I am currently going to school online for my BA, while married with 3 little babies. Online school has given me the opportunity to have both. I pray that you stay with your husband forever and not sacrifice him for a 5 year degree... You will have more opportunities despite what others say. College will always be available! I never thought I would be able to go back to school but God made a way. I am hopeful that everything will work out for you too! Blessings to you!

[piramses in reply to jennicole31]

Thank you very much for your support! Yes, sacrifying my husband for title....ogh my God, how terrible i feel and how much i am confused you can not imagine. U have searched online phd programmes. I can not change this university to online degree because i have to do a lot of laboratory work. However, there are online phd possibilitirs, yes there are some. I found one, which is ca. 8000 $ totally. But i am unemployed, first i need to learn german and then apply to jobs. God knows when i will be able to find job and save money for that. You will ask why my husband does not pay for it, because he is lazy, he works only 10 h/week and because i am also unemployed, we take money from government.

So stuck....hopefully i can find a job so i can save and pay for my education. But will i be able to find a job? What if i cant and never start a phd again?