InLaw Problems and Caregiving

[Medsis]

Inlaw problems again. Still around after 52 years of marriage. Feel much resentment and rage about feeling used by them for most of my married life. Everything will be going okay and then the manipulating starts again. My husband has problems standing up to his mother, siblings and extended family. Everything has gone well for a while as they have recently moved a few hours away. Then they ask something from us that is very difficult and we decline their request. Then they keep badgering until we give in. Everytime this happens I find myself back in my anxiety and depression and anger. I feel trapped in a situation I can do nothing about. I seem to have the worse anxiety with demanding, manipulating, passive-agressive and female bullies. Today is not a good day. I find myself yelling at the walls and crying. Any suggestions? I need relief.

[hypercat54]

This must be awful. How about going no contact with them? Would your partner do this? x

[Hidden]

sounds tough. I’m a caregiver fo my mom and I understand how stressful it can be. if my mom did that, I would stand up for myself and try to talk to her about how I felt calmly. It’s great that you’re being supportive and patient with your in-laws, but they don’t have a right to take advantage of you even if they’re family.

[strongmom15]

I feel ya. I used to have the same issues with my mother. Very manipulative. What I realized after I let go of my relationship with her was that I was wayyyy too involved in whatever she was doing and allowed her to be wayyyy too involved in my life. So my advice is to sit down with your husband and talk together about how you can set some healthy boundaries with them. Maybe that means turning the ringer off the phones after 5p every day so you can spend time just together without them interrupting. Feel free to be 100% honest with them and speak your truth ( hopefully in a calm way lol) that some requests are really difficult for you guys and is affecting your lives. Let them know that you need more family time just for you and your husband and if they don't respect that request, maybe you need to set the boundaries a little tighter. But one thing I learned from therapy is that I have a hell of a lot more power over my life than I have always felt. I have always felt powerless but in reality I had choices. They were just choices I didn't think I could make. If it's affecting your happiness and your health, make those choices. Don't be ashamed. Take care of you, always!!!

[tlf777]

I'm sorry...I know that in-laws can be frustrating. You guys have had a long marriage (congratulations!), and I think it is important to realize that things won't change overnight. Have you all ever worked together to establish some firm boundaries? There is an excellent book titled, "Boundaries," that I think might be very helpful. Have you considered going to counseling by yourself? It might help you process some of the previous hurts. I would love to talk with you more, if you are interested.