Preface to my Next Post: My Story Part I - Anxiety and Depre...

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Preface to my Next Post: My Story Part I

magnoliaLA profile image
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I am very bad at sharing, the sense of vulnerability I feel drives me into a panic where I mentally remove myself into a disassociative state or else I break. I fear this will be a longer post than I intended but I’m getting to the point where I have nothing else to lose. I’m here because I’ve always wanted a community of people, or even just a single person, who can understand and relate to the person I am. I’ve gotten so good at being the person I need to be to get by. And I have gotten by, I’m still here. And for a long time I’ve been able to hold onto that, and have this feeling that I know now is hope, that things will get better.

I’ve always had this sadness and fear within me, and I’ve known it was wrong. To really understand or to know a person takes so much more than a lengthy blog post. To even begin sharing bits about my story and my life brings so much anxiety that I can barely breathe. And thus here I am rapidly approaching 30 and finding myself so convincingly masking my loneliness and depression that even vague references to my long held secrets send me into a reckless downhill spiral.

So apologies for the length of this post, but I need to reveal some things in the only place I feel safe enough to do so. There is only one other person who even knows that I’m seeing a therapist, and even though after 4 months I trust this person indefinitely and know that we relate in a way I have never related to a person before; I struggle so much with allowing myself to be vulnerable and open because I’ve never really allowed anyone to see that side of me before. After all these years I don’t really know how. But I really do want to. So I guess this is me trying and hoping for the best, because I think this is the last try I have left in me.

To make this less unbearably long I will end this here and begin again in a new post. Thanks for reading.

3 Replies

I'm so sorry you feel the need to hide with this ugly disease. The stigma with it is awful, wish we didn't have that. I'm here for you. I try to focus on positive thoughts, when the negative starts to creep in I push it away. I wish for you peace of mind. Thank you for sharing & welcome to the site! Love, peace, joy & hugs!!!

CAYKAY profile image

Congrats on reaching out. No matter how long it took or how hard it was, you did it. And if you can take that terrifying first step, then you have more strength in you than you know. My mom didn't even know I saw a therapist until a few months before my first inpatient and it had been 2 years by that point. Thanks for trusting us with your story. Xoxo Kay

You took a big step in joining this group and sharing. I'm proud of you. I look forward to reading more about your journey.

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