I can’t get moving!!

[Sclassy]

Yesterday after battling with my husband for about a week, he came over and signed the dissolution papers. I still love him, but haven’t been in love with him in a few years. He is a recovering addict and I don’t know if that’s a contributing factor, but he’s emotionally and verbally abusive.

Often times he would talk to me as though I was his child. He gets angry for long periods of time without any explanation as to what has him so angry. He spent very little time with our son. He deflects so well he sometimes had me believing I was crazy or overreacting because I got upset by his behavior.

He would get mad at me for the smallest things. For instance: he recently told me that he has never gotten over me not attending his mother’s funeral.

I didn’t attend for a few reasons. Number 1 being I really come unhinged at funerals,2 I’ve lost several loved ones of my own since being with him and didn’t attend their funeral, and lastly his mother stop speaking to me or my child 3 years prior to her death

(02/2011) because according to him, she was offended that we not me asked her to call before coming to the house. I don’t know about the people reading this, but I really hate popcorn calls to my home. I’m not always in the mood for company, it doesn’t matter if it was my mama. Besides it’s good manners.

So with us not being on good terms and she didn’t even have anything to do with my little boy at the time from 4-6 years old. He did nothing to her. We didn’t even have a quarrel, ever! No I didn’t attend.

He got mad because, I remembered my sons birthday and forgot our wedding anniversary which was 4days later. I need to mention that I often forget our anniversary. We use to joke about me having the male tendencies and him the female. Plus I wa very distracted because I had taken my Audi in for a routine oil change that became a nightmare.

These things he held onto and claimed he “stuffed it”, but he didn’t acted badly towards me: snapping, the tone in which he would speak, and not interacting with me at all. This after the anniversary

July26th. I swear I kept trying to make it right.

He told me he didn’t want me and he thinks I didn’t want him and didn’t care about him. I know he has security issues, but I gave him no reason at all to feel insecure.

I helped him through his recovery and supported him when his own mother had given up on him. I rebuilt his credit and maintained it for our 16 years of marriage. Everyday when he came home from work, he came home to a clean house and prepared dinner. I would even fix his plate everyday!! If he came home late and his dinner was put in the microwave, I’d go upstairs from the rec room to warm his meal for him.

Every morning between 5:00-5:30 I prepared his lunch. I stopped doing his laundry because he got mad because, I would use gloves to handle his underwear!! Ladies! So I told him to do his own laundry.

He brought all his money home until recently in the last couple of years he started being slick. I didn’t trip. I paid the bills handed everything. All he had to do was work. Oh yeah by the way I work 2 part-time jobs. Sometimes 12 hours a day. I know!!

So after this last dilemma, I asked for a divorce, but later felt I was too emotional when I asked and asked him if he wanted a separation instead, he agreed. I asked him later about couples/family counseling so that we could hopefully get to the root of OUR problems and this could affirm our unity or demise.

He declined, saying he didn’t think it would help. He stated he’d been forced to counseling before in the navy twice for anger management. He was adamant about following through,but kept emphasizing your divorce, the divorce you want. Then as I stated earlier gave me a hard time about signing the dissolution papers.

I don’t want this, but you can’t make a heart feel something it doesn’t. It hurt me so bad when he told me he didn’t want me. I felt like trash. I cried so hard.

In my mind I know this marriage is problematic and toxic, and it’s probably for the best, but my heart hasn’t gotten that yet. I am not able to eat, I missed work yesterday and will again today. Luckily I make my own hours. Today I can’t get moving.

[fauxartist]

Okay....so you did everything right and he did nothing but be a jerk. It happens...you don't have to justify why you want a divorce. Living with an abusive drunk or drug addict never turns out well, and often in a marriage one partner is always trying while the other is always blaming and shaming. It's a no win situation. Even in sobriety the person is still the same person and still a jerk, just a clean and sober jerk unless they want to get into some group therapy or one on one therapy and own up to wanting to change.

[Sclassy in reply to fauxartist]

Thank you, I know you’re correct.

[Missnoname]

I agree with the previous poster. It sounds to me like he was taught his abusive behavior from a young age. I would suggest that HE needs to go to counseling irregardless of whether either of you are interested in saving the marriage if he ever wants to be happy or have any healthy relationships in his life (especially his relationship with his child). He's spent years gaslighting you, that's not going to go away quickly. He will probably spend the next 15 years or so continuing the same behavior since I assume you have to deal with him on a coparenting level. His treatment of you is going to make it that much harder for you to deal with because it sounds like there is a part of you that has internalized all his lies and abuse. We're only human, and you can't help but believe something a little bit when it's been hammered into your brain for years. You're not just going through a typical divorce, but recovering from years of mental abuse. Take care of yourself and your child, screw him, and do some things for yourself that he's been holding you back from all these years. Time will do the rest. Good luck. Xoxo.

[fauxartist in reply to Missnoname]

well said....spot on

[Sclassy in reply to Missnoname]

Thank you