My child hates me, but it's her birthday

I'm the mother of 2 special needs children. Both on the autism spectrum, my youngest had needed the most attention over the years. I decided to take college classes at home and be a stay at home mom for my kids and ensure they recieved all of the care and therapies needed.

My youngest 'came out' as transgender female shortly after my ex and I divorced, at age 15. I accepted this and told her after 15 years I may slip and say "he" or "him," but I'd try my best. I even took her shopping for feminine clothes, i felt were tasteful. (With a highly traumatic background, I want my kids to embrace who they are and not have regrets or resentment, fears, anything of the sort)

I had been proud to raise a happy low functioning autistic child who grew into such a high functioning level, she graduated amongst the elite in her class. She was comfortable in herself, even born male.

Her father never accepted the "transgender issue," he also had been absent, even when he was present during the marriage. My kids never had a bond with him. My youngest attempted suicide twice, requiring hospitalization, because of her dad and his new wife giving her a hard time about who she is. This devastated me.

The only time she and I ever had issues is when my health problems (physical & mental) had made it impossible for me to continue with my well paying medical career, and I had to resign, filing for disability. She wanted some pretty expensive items for her birthday that year which I couldnt afford. Dad could. Dad became the better parent.

After asking for help with chores (literally), she called her dad and he took her. I thought this was for a day. I havent seen her since (14 months).

Dad poisoned both my children against me, and for some time, i lost them both. My oldest came home recently to see Dad was lying, and because he realized stories he was told about his childhood, by dad, didn't make sense. (In each, I'm minimally abusive, when I had divorced him for being abusive).

I have no idea what my youngest believes, or if she's still she or he, or what is going on. She emailed just after Christmas saying all that I emailed her about were lies (i.e. Happy Thanksgiving, miss you, wish you were here. This is what's going on at home...). I replied that I was really sorry she felt that way, but I assure her I wouldn't lie to her. One of the things had been a boyfriend I'd been seeing for some time, he really wanted to meet the kids. So I'd sent my youngest a photo of me and my boyfriend together so she could see he wasn't made up, as she claimed. This sparked her to say I was "playing the victim," "toxic," and no longer welcome in her life. I know much of this has to do with influence from her father.

Today is her 20th birthday. Last year, literally, the stress of losing her and not being able to talk to or see my child on her birthday gave me arrhythmias and a condition similar to a heart attack and I was in the hospital for most of the evening.

I do not know what to do today. Ignore her and continue to let her believe what she wants and wait for her to come around lkke my oldest? Email something that will likely never be read due to an email block? I do know i am blocked from the last phone number I was given.

Of course, this one thing, atop a thousand other stressors has had me in bed, unable to eat or sleep all weekend.

Any thoughts appreciated.

[AZ1970]

BelleKitty, my heart feels such sadness for you. I have a 17 year old daughter with autism and I have a 20 year old son who is gay and transgendered. I understand they sacrifices you have made for your children and how the unconditional love you have given them is not often understood by others.

As you know, individuals with autism see the world in black and white. They cannot understand grey. It appears daughter needed her dad's love and acceptance so much that he exploited her to get back at you. She is getting that need me from him and he is feeding her lies about you. At this point, it probably doesn't matter what you do or don't do, it will be misinterpreted and twisted to be negative.

I am glad you son was able to see the truth. Hold on to that. Let him be your guide of your effectiveness as a parent and your love for your kids. As far as your daughter is concerned, I would say to give her space. Honor her request to be left alone. Perhaps for each birthday and special occasion you can write her a card and keep it in a safe place. Hopefully one day she will come back into your life and you can give them all to her.

I know it would feel like you are turning your back on your daughter to do this, but it is the healthiest way for you to be able to function. Release her, let her go. Accept her decision. Of course you are open to reconciliation. But it is a two way street. You health is in jeopardy if you don't. I had a breakdown after years of not taking care of myself. As parents of special needs kids, we make all kinds of sacrifices. That season is over as your kids are grown. Now it is time to take care of you.

I am here to chat if you would like to sometime. HUGS

[Hidden in reply to AZ1970]

You hit the nail on the head with all of it. She's wanted and needed her dad for so long and now she has him, at my expense, but she doesn't understand. I love the idea of keeping cards somewhere for her. Or even making them as we used to craft/scrapbook together.

[fauxartist in reply to AZ1970]

wow...that was the best advice anyone could possibly have given you BelleKitty, I'm so glad you have someone here who completely understands how this can effect a parent. And the advice about knowing you have done your parental thing very well....and they are adults now, and now it's time to take care of your health is very clear, turn it over, let go with love for now, leave the door open...and start living your life the best you can.