Updates: hospital dress, shame, panic

[comb]

I bought this dress the other day that I thought was really great.. then I realized it was the exact color as the hospital gowns that I wore back in January.

My brother said he was hiding hickies by wearing a flannel the other day. My mom said "when your sister wore flannels in the summer it meant she was cutting again."

I had one of the worst prolonged panic feelings/panic attacks ever this weekend. We had this massive event at work and it felt like I had a corset on, my lungs and chest were so tight. It lasted for 3 days.

In the hotel room I would feel incredibly scared. Its a really old hotel, so I was imagining ghosts. While I do believe in spirits (just go with it for a minute) I think I was mostly just afraid of letting go and relaxing. I couldn't do it. I recently relapsed and self-hsrmed and I think that was a something in the back of my mind.

A friend of mine offended me so much this weekend. Saying incredibly sexist things and speaking for me in situations that were really inappropriate. I have been really forward with what's been happening (hospitalization, rape, ptsd, depression, anxiety) and it felt like he was minimizing me and treating me with no respect. It hurt.

Been feeling bad about my body and shame about pretty much everything.

[fauxartist]

I'm sorry your suffering and you felt your friend had been dismissive and actually sounds like being a jerk. I am trying to understand what you were saying...did you say you were forward in that you told this guy all about the things that had happened to you and then he did all that stuff to you in front of other people? If so, he's no friend. And I am sorry you have to deal with that kind of ignorance. I know for me personally....some things I can't share with any one but my partner or a therapist. It's just safer for me. Here though, because we are anonymous...I can openly and honestly share which is safe and very healing for me.

[comb in reply to fauxartist]

I've been open with him for the last 6 months or so, but this weekend is when I really saw him do all of those things to me in front of other people. I think you're very right....he's no friend to me. My therapist is on vacation for 3 weeks so I'm sure I'll be writing a lot here.

[fauxartist in reply to comb]

Well...your right to avoid them, even if they did apologize, it was obvious they were trying to hurt you using very private and personal details about your life and publicly humiliating you ....I'd have a hard time not wanting to knock his lights out, even though I am not a violent person...I'd sure do it diplomatically and call him out on his ignorance and how he was not to be trusted and is basically just an ass. It's a good thing that you can share those very personal things here and feel safe. Don't confide in so called friends with your issues....they don't understand and can use it as this jerk did. I'm sorry that had to happen to you, it was cruel and mean and your best to distance yourself from them. And anyone else that participated in the conversation who was not empathetic as well. In life we will have fair weather friends on the outside of your safe boundaries...and there will only really ever be a few that you can share your stuff with, what I call my inner circle. Everyone else are just acquaintances and people you maybe go to a party with or to a movie.